As the Christmas parties wind down and little baby Jesus’ birthday approaches, you might be left with a few extra cartons of egg nog in your fridge. Instead of pouring all that creamy goodness down the drain (which can be harmful to sewer rats – talk about “eek!”), you can put that nog to work by working your noggin! Getting creative is good way to keep the sad reality of the holidays away. Here are 10 creative ways to use egg nog.
COFFEE OR TEA WITH EGG NOG
Yes! Believe it or not, you can substitute your milk or non-dairy creamer for egg nog. Heck, sometimes I even substitute the coffee itself and just enjoy a big honkin’ glass of egg nog! *gulp* LOL
EGG NOG OATMEAL
Oatmeal can be boring. Some people have told me I’M boring (yeah right though, right?). But maybe all a “boring” thing needs is a bit of sweetness added instead of judgement and rejection. You can put warm egg nog in your rolled oats in lieu of water! I’m not boring. Haha
If you’re having a rough day remembering the good times you had with your ex-fiancé Carrie before she left you for that maverick cop, maybe the festive taste of egg nog pancakes can put a smile back on your lips. Here’s to hoping. LMAO
That’s right! Why spend mucho bucks on a big chain eatery egg nog-flavoured muffin when you can make these scrumptious baked goods out of ingredients you probably already have in your pantry? That is, of course, unless your ex-fiancé Carrie took the muffin tins on the way out, which she did. Yikes!
Hey, if you’ve already got the muffins! Why did she take the tins though? Do maverick cops even like muffins? They strike me as too macho for that. But that leftover egg nog can make the perfect addition to a rich cream cheese dessert topping recipe. Now THAT’S the icing on the cake! Not the fact that your ex-fiancé Carrie is already posting new engagement photos on IG when it’s only been like what, 46 days since you split up? How long had this been going on?
While homemade egg nog ice cream is cold and devoid of conscience, it would never leave you for a maverick cop and write an email to your employer that details -what you thought- were private conversations about all the derisive nicknames you have for your boss.
EGG NOG PIE
The thing about your ex-fiancé Carrie dating a maverick cop now is that it makes it difficult to contact her regarding important legal documents of yours she took (probably without knowing it – she just packed up the whole filing cabinet thingie without a second thought), because he knows the law and can make a restraining order happen just like that. He has friends at the municipal court and everything. Egg Nog Pie.
Don’t blow up the police station. Your ex-fiancé Carrie doesn’t even work there. It seems like you’re focusing on the wrong person here, man. Regroup and make an egg nog milkshake!
YOU HAVE TO PUT YOUR OWN MENTAL HEALTH FIRST
Look, it’s not even like you want her back. You just need answers. I understand. “How long had she been making love to this maverick cop? Was it ever in our bed? Was what we had ever even real? Show me a picture of a maverick cop eating muffins and I’ll let the whole tin thing go?” You keep thinking it’s good idea to show up at her gym to ask these questions. But that’s just a good way to get kicked down the stairs by a maverick cop again. The questions you need to ask must come from a place of personal accountability. “How can I be happy? How do I learn to love myself and be comfortable BY myself? Is burning a single photograph of her in the fireplace while listening to her favourite song every night helping anything? Can I just purchase another muffin tin that isn’t associated with the best years of my life that turned out to be an era of profound betrayal?” I think she hid the remote for the TV, which is especially cruel considering that I was only ever kind to her. Try it in mashed sweet potatoes. I don’t know. My heart isn’t really in this anymore.
BIG OL’ BATHTUB FULL OF EGG NOG
Why not? Pour that goop into the tuberooni and jump in with all your clothes on! It’s not like anyone’s gonna come home and give you guff for doing something zany. See? I can be fun, Carrie! Oh, you got engagement photos taken in a meadow? Wow, never seen THAT before. Is that a dilapidated barn in the background? Me oh my! And I’M the square just ‘cause I refused to let you peg me.
You may have heard that legendary unabashed fictional psychopath Michael Myers is being dragged on Twitter over accusations of homophobia. Sorry, “h*moph*bia”. But Michael Myers isn’t the only horror icon guilty of micro aggressions (like stabbing, maiming, decapitating…) and problematic behaviour (like disembowelling, draining of blood, shoving knives into eyes…). Believe it or not, some other scary flick baddies (not real people, by the way) have hurt the marginalized in the past, therefore we must end them. And if you know anything about me, you know I love to self-aggrandize by capitalizing on the pain of groups I don’t belong to.
In the recent film Halloween Kills, Michael Myers (who isn’t real) breaks into his old home (a fake home you won’t find on Google Maps) where a gay male *White couple* (which actually only sounds half-problematic right there) resides. Were the gay characters charismatic, funny, and three-dimensional? Sure. But then why wasn’t the movie called Two Nice Gay Men Live in a House? Better title. More progress. Perhaps most homophobically of all, Michael murders the couple by mouth-fucking a hole through the back of their heads with a sharpened rainbow-coloured dildo, writing “gay is bad” on the wall with their blood, pointing to a blood donor form and shaking his head ‘no’, then doing a mocking limp-wristed jig while uttering the first words he’s ever uttered in any Halloween movie: “I guess it doesn’t get better.”
I have seen the movie and don’t remember this scene, but judging by the volume of accusatory tweets, this must be what happened.
Your job as a moviegoer is to try your darnedest to not enjoy the movie. The same way silence = violence, feeling happy = you are crappy. Felt joy = hello, bad boy. Thought it was a whirl = hey you’re a stupid girl. Believe it was more fun than a winery = get a clue, non-binary. Instead of watching your richest childhood fantasies play out on a giant screen, in 3D, in a moving seat (all of which you had nothing to do with bringing to life) and loving 99.999% of it, keep your eyes peeled for that 0.001% that makes you want to tweet until your fingers turn to powder. I, for one, come from the school of “the one burnt corn nibblet ruins the entire casserole”.
Here is a list of murderous horror icons we need to cancel for murdering people.
FREDDY KRUGER IS ANTI-BLM
In Nightmare On Elm Street 3, one of the Dream Warriors named Kincaid, an African-American man, survives the film, shattering the trope of the Black man dying first in horror movies. In Nightmare on Elm Street 4 he immediately dies first. The evidence is stacking up that Freddy hates the people who gave us jazz, Super-Soakers and Michael Vick. It’s only logical to surmise that with his little Milli Vanilli hat and those long nails, the only thing stopping Freddy from doing full-on blackface is the fact that his face was burnt off.
How we fix this: Make Freddy Kruger do that sandwich board thing from Die Hard 3.
GREMLINS ARE ABLEIST
Sometimes gremlins do feed after midnight. Only this time, the meal was the pain an old lady endured thanks to her shitty legs. In the 1985 horror/Christma- festive non-denominational holiday celebration festive season of the winter festive solstice film Gremlins, this disabled old bird is trying to get up her stairs in a… I dunno what they’re called – motorized escalator seat? But then some privileged Gremlin hot-wires the control panel (likely possessing an ivy league engineering degree Laurie Laughlin bribed into existence) and makes the chair zoom mega fast and the old hag gets blasted out of a window. And guess what – she doesn’t land in her favourite seat for 3PM dinner at Denny’s. She’s deader than laughing at Family Guy.
How we fix this: Cancel gremlins. And stop whitewashing them. #FilipinoGremlins.
THE TV FROM POLTERGEIST IS PREJUDICED
Why would the TV from Poltergeist only eat little blonde White girls? Think of all the promising young kids from other parts of the globe who would love to be eaten by a TV! Oh what? Worried a Cambodian child would get trapped in your circuits and carry out some cliche I’m unaware of because I’m a stranger to their culture? Scared that an Indian boy with experience working in his parents’ electronics store that still sells blank VHS tapes would mock your subpar sound, effectively carrying out the stereotype of making fun of your stereo type? Afraid a little Hasidic Jewish boy would point and ask questions about every part of the TV because they aren’t allowed outside until they’re old enough to marry? Get real, you bigoted-ass TV!
How we fix this: Create programs in traditionally un-eaten by TV communities where we create more opportunity to be devoured by TVs.
JASON VOORHEES’ MOM VS KEVIN BACON
No! In the original Friday the 13th, Pamela Voohrees hides under Kevin Bacon’s bed and stabs dumb fuckin’ shithead Kevin Bacon in the neck! Don’t kill Kevin Bacon! He’s a dumb fuckin’ shit! Fucking guy can’t even outrun a Tremor worm and Pamela Voorhees just goes and jabs an arrowhead (appropriation) through shithead fuckface Bacon’s throat?! You can’t go around murdering little fucky dum-dums! Dumb shit fucks like Kevin Bacon must be protected! Poor dumb-ass shitty fucker Kevin Bacon.
How we fix this: The actor who played Pamela Voorhees, Betsy Palmer, died six years ago. A noble grave-toppling, anyone?
THE GAY GUYS FROM “HALLOWEEN KILLS” HATE CHILDREN
YES. The very same gay couple I defended earlier. In a scene from notorious homophobic manifesto Halloween Kills, these two wretches tell tiny little trick-or-treaters that Michael Myers is coming for them and that they’re gonna die. They even swear at them and swearing leads to heroin. Oh what, hurling lewd death threats at children is okay? I don’t care if you suck a million penises and fuck five hundred thousand butts daily – no amount of being gay will forgive the verbal assault of our future. Throw in some ski-poling and reach-arounds and we’ll talk.
How we fix this: Maybe in the next Halloween movie, a gay couple kindly makes out with the children instead?
Hunter Collins is a deceased arborist who lives in your ducts.
Québécois comedian Mike Ward has taken some heel turns that I can’t condone, but none of what an artist says should be punishable by the government. His case for performing jokes (reiterating: jokes) about a differently abled kid was just made before the Supreme Court of Canada.
I truly feel like it’s fair if the vilest joke one can make results in losing fans, friends, sponsorships, jobs, etc, but it CANNOT get you fined or imprisoned. I’m an absolutist on that. A lot of people feel like that standpoint is gauche or even alt-right, but freedom of expression is not the same as freedom from consequence – the latter of which must exclude consequences from the law or government. Sure, Mike Ward picks on a differently abled kid; maybe he doesn’t get to do any KFC ads. Maybe people won’t buy a ticket to his next show. But the utter daftness of thinking that Mike Ward wants to harm, or see harm come to that kid is astounding. That kind of daftness has to be intentional. Some people must be so horny for daftness that they avert their eyes from one simple truth: upholding freedom of expression when it comes to jokes of bad taste is just as meaningful to your wack little simpleton musings that bore everyone including yourself:
“Maybe WE should build a wall to keep TRUMP out!” -You, who should quit comedy
“People are afraid of what’s in the vaccine but they eat Cheese Whiz and Pop Tarts!” -You again, not being sued by me for ‘grand theft of everyone’s time’
It is sad that people who saw Mike Ward’s bit harassed the kid, but Mike Ward isn’t responsible for the actions of every twit animal who grossly manufactures a call to action over it (why aren’t THEY dangled in front of the Supreme Court like a morsel of sardine for the self-righteous gullets of “justice”, huh?). This is a comedian – not a politician. This isn’t like Trump and the insurrection. It’s art. And you simply can’t/mustn’t contain art because it’s all held together by this keystone that is freedom of expression.
Here are some jokes about differently abled children. Sue me.
DEAF DANNY & THE DIFFERENTLY ABLED:
I and other comedians were quoted on a Vice piece a few years ago about Mike Ward’s Human Rights Tribunal case and I said the following:
“We have a history of rare physical conditions in our family. I have vitiligo and my brother has gigantism in his left side. When kids would harass us about the way we looked and try to make our lives shit, we stuck up for each other, along with our friends and family. We were taught by our parents that the world can be volatile and taught how to handle it with love, wit, strength and self esteem. My brother turned out to be a strong, capable man who has meaningful relationships with wonderful people; he sticks up for himself more than anyone I know, and defends the underdog with the same passion. We need people like my brother – we don’t need “feelings court.”
What really cracks me up is the way this bit has been distorted by the Anglophone media. A lot of what’s being written paints the bit out as this ruthless, continued attack on Le Petit Jérémy—but Mike only takes like 14 seconds at the end of a 2.5-minute bit to say he tried to drown the kid without success and that he’s ugly. I know that sounds callous, but it was the comedic equivalent of tearing off a band-aid after a long rant. Sometimes a lot of the value of a joke is just in the audacity it takes to say it. The wit might not be there, but some comedians are satisfied with gasps as much as laughs. That’s the risk you take in playing that card—you alienate people. But comedy isn’t about walking on steady ground all the time. It’s about stepping on the cracks and digging your toes in the earth and seeing what kinda bugs, tubers, shit and gold are in there. It’s fine if that’s not your brand, but there’s all sorts of comedy for everybody out there. You know? Some people play a harp and some people bang on a bucket with a filthy doll’s head.
Some of the critics of Mike’s bit call it “bullying,” but to me the bullies are the parents of Le Petit Jérémy. It’s such a transparent cash grab on his parents’ part. On top of the fine to Mike, ten thousand dollars for “moral” damages? You know how rich I’d be if I sued everybody who damaged my morals? I’d be living on some crazy-ass party plane that never lands and gets perpetually refilled mid-air. “Moral Damage?” The Miami Dolphins damage my morals every year. I still wear the jersey.
Some comics might not be on Mike’s side here, but I know that if they were somehow to get caught in a mess like this over some bullshit they were just trying to get a laugh with, Mike would be the first to rush to their defense. Maybe a few more of these cases need to swing this way so we can get some traction on restructuring the language of these laws, which clearly needs to happen. ‘Cause Personally, I’d never make fun of some kid with goblin-face disease, but I think I should be allowed to.”
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It’s the week of Halloween and everyone is asking me for scary movie recommendations. Something about me just screams “this guy knows where to find things that will make me sick and afraid” (maybe it’s the vomit chunks on my unholstered gun). So I thought I’d make a list. Here are 10 actually scary horror movies you may have never seen that you can stream tonight.
The picks below aren’t for chicken-shit pants-shitting shit-birds. I will lay this out so you can gauge what my fear threshold is: Alien is not a horror movie; Get Out was a fine film but not scary whatsoever; and The Babadook sucks. If you want to watch a mother barely hold back from bashing her kid’s head in while some creepy prick with poor fashion sense looks on with glee, take me to Great Wolf Lodge. The films included here made me want to lock my doors, check under my bed and load the shotgun I keep under my machete rack.
Although they are marvellous and effective fright films, you won’t find titles like TheConjuring or Hereditary on this list. These are slightly deeper cuts, and they cut hard. In fact, they cut like a gun that shoots knives (which I also own – it’s called a “gknife”).
Last thing before I list these flicks: if you love horror, do yourself a solid and sign up for Shudder. It’s 60 bucks for the year and they keep pumping out more content than you could shake a monkey’s paw at. Also when the pandemic ends, come see my live horror/comedy show at Comedy Bar in Toronto called Guts For Laughs. Follow us on Twitter and IG at @GutsForLaughs. Do it, or else. Keep in mind I own firearms and this website tracks your home address. Here we go:
The Witch In The Window (Shudder)
Tiny cast. Hack first few minutes. A screw-up dad is trying to regain the love of his family by fixing up a haunted-ish house you know there’s gonna be a witch of sorts inside of. But it takes a mind-bending turn, packs some wicked jumps and pulls the rug out from under you with several switcheroos before it’s all over. Plus, If you’re Shudder and chilling, this movie is 70 minutes in & out, so you can swiftly get to the part where you say, “Hey, did you know there’s also a witch in the window of my zipper? Check it out…” and get to gettin’ fresh. That line works for everyone regardless of your sexual orientation.
Special distinction: only movie I’ve ever seen that has an honest to cripes Magic Eye painting scare.
Not to be confused with Netflix’s shameless gore-porn horror “Terrifier” starring a clown with teeth like the inside of a Crunchie bar. This Argentinian offering presents three subsequent stories that tie together. Three neighbours are experiencing some paranormal bull-shit: I can’t write about the first guy without spoiling it, but it’s one of the most memorable horror scenes I’ve ever watched because it goes on for so long and you are forced to sit in the horror of it and watch powerless as evil runs amok. Like the presidency. Second one is about a guy who sets up a camera after his furniture keeps moving around in the night and the last one is about a dead kid. And yeah: they show you the dead kid. And it ain’t just some child actor with corn syrup on his forehead. This is South America. They might have used a real dead kid. But it’s important to note this isn’t a true anthology like Creepshow. The driving throughline about investigators trying figure out what in the horny Christ is happening in this ‘hood flows smoothly in and around the intertwined tales.
Special distinction: the way director Demian Rugna frames his scares often mimics the viewpoint of a natural human eyeline, producing a stripped-down air of realism that leaves you feeling like this is what it would actually look like if your life got absolutely FARKED by malevolent forces.
Don’t get turned off by the poster! Although it depicts a creepy baby carriage, this isn’t one of those movies that shovels out the ol’ convention where a woman is pregnant with a baby but the baby is also pregnant with a demon or some shit. It’s actually an ambitious, $3.6M Mexican production that in its essence is a possession whodunnit, where a skeptical cop is trying to track down the demon who killed his child. It alternates between Spanish and English and boasts a tasteful CGI evil Jesus scene. The film kicks off with a scene so despicable, it feels like a joke a racist cabbie told you at an off-track betting bar in Cincinnati. This isn’t much of a jumpy one, but it is profoundly disturbing. Think Sinister on crank and tequila.
Special distinction: Probably the highest and most unforgiving infanticide rate of any movie I’ve seen.
The Autopsy of Jane Doe (Shudder)
This film is contained to a small rural coroner’s office but it tells such a huge story. A father and son coroner duo cut into this lady and hoo-boy! Her insides are more fucked-up than the shelves at K-Mart on Boxing Day! The journey through the autopsy generates so many questions about how this woman died and even though she’s dead, you start getting the impression she doesn’t want to get autopsied ‘cause some next shit starts going down with the other corpses in this spooky-ass old coroner building. Quality jumps throughout this one too.
Special distinction: expertly frightening despite having a main antagonist who is completely inanimate.
Dead Birds (Prime, Shudder)
Another poster that makes the movie look like it cost 38 bucks and whole lotta favors to make. I swear, there’s a scene at the beginning where a guy sees a dead bird and goes, “Huh, there’s a dead bird,” and then they don’t mention birds, dead or otherwise, for the rest of the movie. Dead bird content dearth aside, this is an unconventional film that places a group of Civil War era bank robbers on a farm overnight while on their way to Mexico with a big sack of stolen gold. But this farm makes Robert Pickton’s look like Baskin-Robbins! There’s gross critters and other evils abound that start picking these stinky cowpokes off one-by-one. And what a cast of stinky cowpokes they are! Every minute a different big name pops up, including Michael Shannon, the fat beardy guy from 30 Days of Night, Elliott from E.T. and Isaiah Washington. This is probably the least scary movie on the list, but there’s so much originality and genre-bending to this creature feature paranormal haunted house western, that I thought it belonged.
Special distinction: a young Michael Shannon throwing around racial slurs. Yup – that one. Washington was able to keep the slurs to himself this time, however.
Spanish director Paco Plaza, who also made the REC series, peddled this out in 2017. It’s rife with heavy-handed allegory about the coming of age of womyn (the fyuture is fymale), but in the horror world, I’m like, what isn’t, dude? Technically Godzilla is a girl’s coming of age tale when you consider that Godzilla’s mouth-lasers are a metaphor for menstruation. Zappy, blasty menstruation. In this film, a teenager in a working class neighborhood has to take care of her younger siblings, but this foolish, stupid, naive, female, lady girl puts her dumb double-X chromosome’d hands on a Ouija board DURING an eclipse! You put your whole family in danger by opening a demonic eclipse portal, you idiotic womb-haver! But el patriarcado aside, this movie is loaded with jumps and taut tension and even though it’s about a teen, it doesn’t strictly cater to a younger audience the way Slender Man or Ma did. There’s a nun with milky eyes, shadowperson apparitions galore, and it features the “creepy naked man scare” a full year before Hereditary did it, and a full two years before my dad did it at a local figure skating meet and we never saw him again.
Special distinction: based on a true story where a Spanish girl mysteriously died in the 90s after using a Ouija board. Second leading cause of death in Spain after pronouncing your Zs like a t-h to death.
Channel Zero (Shudder)
This is a TV show where each season of six episodes is based on a different creepypasta. Episodes are 45 minutes long, which is so little to commit to. But the reason I recommend this show is that it’s light enough that you can watch it during the day and the stories are so loose and ethereal that you can have it on in the background while you I dunno – make soup or harass former lovers over the phone. The seasons are hit and miss (season one revolves around a little boy made of human teeth who eats teeth and there we go, I got fed up just typing that), but the fourth and latest season is about a woman (Miss Denmark 2008 Maria Sten) who descends into madness after rediscovering her homicidal imaginary friend, the latter of which is portrayed by a stupendously talented contortionist. There are loads of practical gore effects that’ll make you turn away and at one point they barely explicably shimmy in an army of little people dressed as crayons.
Special distinction: It’s all shot in Canada and it looks like it isn’t.
The Possession of Hannah Grace (Crave)
I was super skeptical of a “The Possession Of” movie and maybe my low expectations are what led me to enjoy this so much. In this story about a disgraced police officer (ACAB) who becomes a security guard (ASGAB) at a morgue, a stiff is dropped off that somehow, instead of just sitting there, appears to get healthier. You can imagine where this leads (they fuck – JK), but the lighting and the sound design seamlessly team up to drive a multi-sensory screwdriver into your nervous system. The creeps take their sweet-ass time and this polished production is all-in-all jumpier than bullfrogs on a griddle.
Special distinction: maybe the only film whose title starts with “The Possession/Haunting of” that is legitimately frightening.
POD (Prime, Shudder)
The key to this 2015 gem is that instead of having the terror stem from a guy in a monster suit, it comes from the unravelling mind of a schizophrenic man trying to convince his brother that he has a captured alien in his basement. The performance of this mentally unstable dude is so convincing, you can picture him asking a cashier at Taco Bell for the nuke codes. The film does an admirable job of keeping you guessing whether there’s a basement alien or not. Pod is a testament to how solid a film you can make with a wee budget, as long as you have a sturdy premise and some decent actors. Plus it’s only 76 minutes! So if you’re Shudder and chilling, it won’t be long before you can be like, “Hey did you know I also have a ‘pod’ behind this zipper?”
Special distinction: It’s got to be challenging to pull off an alien horror movie that’s actually scary, because aliens are inherently jovial visitors who just want to meet your leader and give you a hearty bumming.
Garden State (in the garbage somewhere hopefully)
It is absolutely beyond horrifying that someone gave money to Zach Braff for a script that’s just a bunch of people going “aren’t I weird?” for an hour and a half.
Special distinction: none. This movie is is pure bowel cancer for your heart, mind and eyes.
Hunter Collins is an industry pariah who makes his home in a nest of soiled egg cartons in Toronto’s toxic waste district. Twitter: @hunter_collins | Instagram: @huntercomedy
The NFL’s 101st season kicks off today and Washington finally got rid of the Redskins name and logo. Luckily for the league, that’s their only ongoing controversy, so after the national anthem, the players can get up off their knees and get back to smashing their brains into miso paste until they murder all their loved ones. Nevertheless, Washington’s abandonment of the racist effigy is an increasingly common sign of positive change. A while back, The MLB’s Cleveland Indians got rid of Chief Waygu, I’m guessing ‘cause he looked NOTHING like a massaged Japanese cow. Here in Canada’s CFL, Edmonton’s seen its last Eskimo. But let me be the first one brave enough to say: that’s just the tip of the hate-berg (I almost went with “not n’iceberg”).
On the surface, there may only appear to be a handful of problematic franchise names and logos in pro sports, but I knew that if I looked hard enough, I could force myself to see a bunch more that would get my gender-neutral undergarments in a knot. Here’s a look at the most offensive team names and logos from all four major sports.
TW: all of them
HOCKEY: -Shawinigan Cataractes (QMJHL)
This is beyond indecent. As a tanning bed addict (disorder #486 in the DSM5), I take mondo offense considering how at-risk I am of contracting cataracts – and my disease is NOT a costume. To rub it in, they gave this wacky guy a fancy colorful headdress knowing full well how hard it is for cataract sufferers to take in that breadth of hues. They should’ve had a little powwow to come up with something more sensitive.
-Eerie Otters (OHL)
The otter looks a bit Chinese. I obviously don’t think that’s a bad thing – I just don’t trust them to have done it for the right reasons. According to this guy Fred I met at a skin tag convention in Eerie, PA, the town’s “only got maybe five Chinese”. So why the Chinese otter? Probably safer to just dismantle the team, sell off all their gear and donate the proceeds to Falun Gong. Not sure if Falun Gong is good or bad, but I think they dance a lot, and if you hate dancing you’re a dancist and I’ll have you doxxed.
-Albany River Rats (AHL)
“River rat” is a heinous slur for Mexicans.
-Rockford Ice Hogs (AHL)
“Ice hog” is a heinous slur for ugly women from the Yukon.
-The Tacoma Ice River Whoores (NCAA)
Though part of me admires the old-timey spelling, we have to acknowledge that sex work is real work and that the only acceptable moniker for this team is “The Tacoma Ice River Sex Workers”. Man, that whoore is hot though.
FOOTBALL: -Kansas City Chiefs (NFL)
Firefighters’ bosses have enough to worry about already. Change the name or I’m boycotting fire.
-Dallas Cowboys (NFL)
Being a half cow/half boy is a horrific mutation I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy (the little boy from the movie “Room”). Frankly, I’d rather be an ice hog.
-New York Giants (NFL)
Oh you think it’s *COOL* to name your team after these scary freaks who bump their heads on the top of every door frame and walk around like Frankenstein in their specially tailored monster pants to meet their date they met on some website for humongous abominations like them and then they all die before 50 ‘cause their hearts are so enlarged? Only in New York!
-New York Jets (NFL)
A whole team named after John Travolta’s tragically deceased son Jet? Real classy. NOT! Only in New York!
-The Tacoma Dumb Polacks (Pacific Trucker League)
Another heinous slur, albeit for White people, so it doesn’t really count. Still, it’s a little on the nose. Granted, that nose is pretty bulbous and hard to miss.
BASEBALL: -Oakland A’s (MLB)
Literally discriminatory towards 25 of the alphabet’s 26 letters. Personally, I believe there are more than 26 letters in our alphabet, including @, # and &. I don’t know what the non-binary equivalent of this stance is, so I’ll just go out on a limb (is that ableist?) and say I believe in non-twentysixinary spelling.
-Atlanta Braves (MLB)
How DARE they… name a team… after a COLOSSAL DUMP like Atlanta? That place is like Houston with twice the piss and half the vocabulary.
-Tampa Rays (MLB)
Every guy named Ray is an asshole. They always shave their sideburns too short, eat bananas as loudly as possible, and had sex with my mom when I was in high school.
-Miami Marlins (MLB)
Congratulations! You just named your team after the worst Wayans brother. And it’s pretty hard to top Shawn!
-The Tacoma DVD Copies Of 2004 Box Office Calamity Garden State (Northwestern Baseball Association For Dorks)
Forcedly quirky. Laboredly devoid of substance. Absolutely disgusting. I’m less offended by Chief Waygu.
BASKETBALL: -Boston Celtics (NBA)
This is a completely inaccurate depiction of an Irishman! No ranga-orange hair. No barf stains on his little prick bow tie. No sign of a “mudder” he deeply resents. No cuts on his knuckles from “having tried to tell Sheilagh twice”. The palsy in the eye checks out, but the loser in this logo must be a goddamn dirty protestant!
-Denver Nuggets (NBA)
Call me old fashioned, but I don’t think you should name a team that predominantly employs Black athletes the N-blank-double-G anything.
-Xinjiang Flying Tigers (CBA)
You shouldn’t give fans the false hope of seeing a tiger fly one day. “Flying” tigers? What’s next? “Skateboarding” trout? A “female” president? Get real or GTFO.
-Washington Wizards (NBA)
-Sacramento Kings (NBA)
-Houston Rockets (NBA)
Rockets are made by brilliant scientists (ableist – check!) who went to Ivy League colleges (classist – check!) and they look like huge dongs with flames coming out the ball area (patriarchy – check!).
-Utah Jizz (NBA)
-The Tacoma Maybe We Shouldn’t Let The Mentally Challenged Breed (West Coast Eugenics League)
Hunter Collins brand Astrology Juice gives you the best astrology! Because it’s made from actual constellations, Astrology Juice knows how to automatically adapt to your personal star sign so you can maximize your luck, love and crops! They will say this is just water in a jar, and those people are probably Geminis.
Even after it is bottled, Astrology Juice continues to gain astrology with every exposure to the night sky. Hold your Astrology Juice out towards the heavens so that you may keep absorbing the wisdom of the burning gas balls that govern your destiny! You will look so smart – PLUS, you will have so much astrology!
I know all you Pisces..ses will love Hunter Collins Astrology Juice, because you were born in the same month as each other and are therefore all the same! Click the link or image below to buy Astrology Juice today! Quick – before your astrology levels deplete, leaving you unable to win the lottery as easily as you normally would!
Summer is here and the best way to get back at that bastard sun for making your skin welt and your taint melt is to pick up some merch so hot it burns the sizzling gas-bag back!
The Hunter Collins summer collection of T-shirts and tank tops features a graphic based on his trademark bit about the best line in movie history. That distinction belongs to a henchman who screams “POINT [YOUR] TITTIES NORTH AND STEP ON THE GAS!” in the Jean-Claude Van Damme masterpiece Hard Target“.
Unisex T-shirts ($25 + shipping) are available in three different colors: “Monkey Booger Green”, “Cheeto Finger Heathered Orange”, and “Steer Tuchus Black” (also featured in a women’s cut). The shirts are Gildan Softstyle tees and they make you feel like you’re breastfeeding god herself.
Unisex tank tops ($30 + shipping) come in two colors: “Fancy Meth Blue” and “Dead Racing Dog Heathered Grey”. The tanks are elite quality Bella + Canvas jersey tank tops, ideal for any gender and they’re so soft they make Mumford & Sons look like Suge Knight.
Hit the merch tab at the top of the page or click the picture below to check out the store!
I wanted to make a Hellraiser parody because I LOVE the Hellraiser series. So much, in fact, that I always make sure to wake up looking like a cenobite with a Joey Fatone goatee. The first film is a rightful horror touchstone, but the rest were like watching a one-footed pigeon with palsy try to become an eagle. Each sequel gets more disjointed and less cenobite-y; Pinhead’s dialogue sounds increasingly like the heavy metal lyrics I scribbled in my grade 10 agenda; and part 6 (“Hellseeker” – man, they’re good and cramming “hell” in there) boasts my favorite horror movie line to use on conspiracy dumdums: “Welcome to the worst nightmare of all: REALITY!”
So here is a little sketch I put together while in isolation, complete with 80’s special effects, a replica Lament Configuration and hell-threats galore! I give you: “HELLABADRAISER”!