You may have heard that legendary unabashed fictional psychopath Michael Myers is being dragged on Twitter over accusations of homophobia. Sorry, “h*moph*bia”. But Michael Myers isn’t the only horror icon guilty of micro aggressions (like stabbing, maiming, decapitating…) and problematic behaviour (like disembowelling, draining of blood, shoving knives into eyes…). Believe it or not, some other scary flick baddies (not real people, by the way) have hurt the marginalized in the past, therefore we must end them. And if you know anything about me, you know I love to self-aggrandize by capitalizing on the pain of groups I don’t belong to.
In the recent film Halloween Kills, Michael Myers (who isn’t real) breaks into his old home (a fake home you won’t find on Google Maps) where a gay male *White couple* (which actually only sounds half-problematic right there) resides. Were the gay characters charismatic, funny, and three-dimensional? Sure. But then why wasn’t the movie called Two Nice Gay Men Live in a House? Better title. More progress. Perhaps most homophobically of all, Michael murders the couple by mouth-fucking a hole through the back of their heads with a sharpened rainbow-coloured dildo, writing “gay is bad” on the wall with their blood, pointing to a blood donor form and shaking his head ‘no’, then doing a mocking limp-wristed jig while uttering the first words he’s ever uttered in any Halloween movie: “I guess it doesn’t get better.”
I have seen the movie and don’t remember this scene, but judging by the volume of accusatory tweets, this must be what happened.
Your job as a moviegoer is to try your darnedest to not enjoy the movie. The same way silence = violence, feeling happy = you are crappy. Felt joy = hello, bad boy. Thought it was a whirl = hey you’re a stupid girl. Believe it was more fun than a winery = get a clue, non-binary. Instead of watching your richest childhood fantasies play out on a giant screen, in 3D, in a moving seat (all of which you had nothing to do with bringing to life) and loving 99.999% of it, keep your eyes peeled for that 0.001% that makes you want to tweet until your fingers turn to powder. I, for one, come from the school of “the one burnt corn nibblet ruins the entire casserole”.
Here is a list of murderous horror icons we need to cancel for murdering people.
FREDDY KRUGER IS ANTI-BLM
In Nightmare On Elm Street 3, one of the Dream Warriors named Kincaid, an African-American man, survives the film, shattering the trope of the Black man dying first in horror movies. In Nightmare on Elm Street 4 he immediately dies first. The evidence is stacking up that Freddy hates the people who gave us jazz, Super-Soakers and Michael Vick. It’s only logical to surmise that with his little Milli Vanilli hat and those long nails, the only thing stopping Freddy from doing full-on blackface is the fact that his face was burnt off.
How we fix this:
Make Freddy Kruger do that sandwich board thing from Die Hard 3.
GREMLINS ARE ABLEIST
Sometimes gremlins do feed after midnight. Only this time, the meal was the pain an old lady endured thanks to her shitty legs. In the 1985 horror/Christma- festive non-denominational holiday celebration festive season of the winter festive solstice film Gremlins, this disabled old bird is trying to get up her stairs in a… I dunno what they’re called – motorized escalator seat? But then some privileged Gremlin hot-wires the control panel (likely possessing an ivy league engineering degree Laurie Laughlin bribed into existence) and makes the chair zoom mega fast and the old hag gets blasted out of a window. And guess what – she doesn’t land in her favourite seat for 3PM dinner at Denny’s. She’s deader than laughing at Family Guy.
How we fix this:
Cancel gremlins. And stop whitewashing them. #FilipinoGremlins.
THE TV FROM POLTERGEIST IS PREJUDICED
Why would the TV from Poltergeist only eat little blonde White girls? Think of all the promising young kids from other parts of the globe who would love to be eaten by a TV! Oh what? Worried a Cambodian child would get trapped in your circuits and carry out some cliche I’m unaware of because I’m a stranger to their culture? Scared that an Indian boy with experience working in his parents’ electronics store that still sells blank VHS tapes would mock your subpar sound, effectively carrying out the stereotype of making fun of your stereo type? Afraid a little Hasidic Jewish boy would point and ask questions about every part of the TV because they aren’t allowed outside until they’re old enough to marry? Get real, you bigoted-ass TV!
How we fix this:
Create programs in traditionally un-eaten by TV communities where we create more opportunity to be devoured by TVs.
JASON VOORHEES’ MOM VS KEVIN BACON
No! In the original Friday the 13th, Pamela Voohrees hides under Kevin Bacon’s bed and stabs dumb fuckin’ shithead Kevin Bacon in the neck! Don’t kill Kevin Bacon! He’s a dumb fuckin’ shit! Fucking guy can’t even outrun a Tremor worm and Pamela Voorhees just goes and jabs an arrowhead (appropriation) through shithead fuckface Bacon’s throat?! You can’t go around murdering little fucky dum-dums! Dumb shit fucks like Kevin Bacon must be protected! Poor dumb-ass shitty fucker Kevin Bacon.
How we fix this:
The actor who played Pamela Voorhees, Betsy Palmer, died six years ago. A noble grave-toppling, anyone?
THE GAY GUYS FROM “HALLOWEEN KILLS” HATE CHILDREN
YES. The very same gay couple I defended earlier. In a scene from notorious homophobic manifesto Halloween Kills, these two wretches tell tiny little trick-or-treaters that Michael Myers is coming for them and that they’re gonna die. They even swear at them and swearing leads to heroin. Oh what, hurling lewd death threats at children is okay? I don’t care if you suck a million penises and fuck five hundred thousand butts daily – no amount of being gay will forgive the verbal assault of our future. Throw in some ski-poling and reach-arounds and we’ll talk.
How we fix this:
Maybe in the next Halloween movie, a gay couple kindly makes out with the children instead?
Hunter Collins is a deceased arborist who lives in your ducts.