This photo shoot left 75% of my body covered in third degree burns.

My new stand-up comedy album Hunter Collins Goes To Hell comes out tomorrow and let me tell you, I really tried.

I tried to make an album that pleases everybody and their grandma. Which is why the last twenty minutes is just grainy covers of Gene Autry ballads.

I tried to make an album for the little guy. And his teeny wife. And their puny children.

I tried to make an album that my dead dad would like, just in case they have Spotify in hell.

I tried to make an album that reminds you of your youth, especially if you were raised in a comedy club surrounded by 300 drunks and an owner who refuses to give you free soda.

I tried to make an album that if played in reverse, sucks.

I tried to make an album that leaves you feeling braver than you believe you are, smarter than you think you are and stronger than you seem. The perfect gift for any cowardly idiotic wimp.

I tried to make an album that makes conservatives froth at the mouth. And makes the far left’s eyes water. And gives everyone else mad cow disease.

I tried to make an album reminiscent of George Carlin’s early work, before he became a comedian and worked as a pig-shit delivery man.

I tried to make an album that’s carbon-neutral. This killed a thousand carbon mining jobs and the miners union has vowed their revenge.

I tried to make an album that punches up. And also karate chops sideways and commits vehicular manslaughter to the southeast.

I tried to make an album that puts the “ire” in “satire”, the “rev” in “irreverent” and the “puke” in “I’m gonna puke”.

I tried to make an album that uses the super goodest words and rocks so goodly that you have to look some of the words up because you’re not sure if they’re fermunculous.

I tried to make an album that serves as an homage to my comedic idol: Odie from the Garfield comics.

I tried to make an album that paints me as a humble man. Ideally, the appeal of my unparalleled humility will help rake in millions, so I don’t have to talk to the likes of you anymore.

I tried to make an album that speaks to paranoid schizophrenics, even hours before they put it on.

I tried to make a feel-good album, which is why every physical copy is coated with a thin layer of codeine you can lick off (it might taste like mad cow).

I tried to make an album that makes you want to call your mom, because isn’t that the same voice that keeps leaving her lewd anonymous voicemails?

I tried to make an album that makes Drew Carey look like Hannah Gadsby. I guess it worked.

I tried to make an album that slaps, but Apple said the cost of updating every phone with a foam-rubber hand on a spring that shoots out to assault you would bankrupt them.

I really hope you guys like it.

-Huntybits

Hunter Collins Goes To Hell hits every streaming platform August 12, 2022 on Comedy Records
comedyrecords.ca

Hunter Collins is a retired bomb defuser who spends his free time huffing white-out behind your apartment.

Mmm! The best part about egg nog? So noggy!

As the Christmas parties wind down and little baby Jesus’ birthday approaches, you might be left with a few extra cartons of egg nog in your fridge. Instead of pouring all that creamy goodness down the drain (which can be harmful to sewer rats – talk about “eek!”), you can put that nog to work by working your noggin! Getting creative is good way to keep the sad reality of the holidays away. Here are 10 creative ways to use egg nog.

COFFEE OR TEA WITH EGG NOG

A great perk-you-up for lonely times!

Yes! Believe it or not, you can substitute your milk or non-dairy creamer for egg nog. Heck, sometimes I even substitute the coffee itself and just enjoy a big honkin’ glass of egg nog! *gulp* LOL

EGG NOG OATMEAL

Healthy AND fun. Like me! Right? What’s wrong with that?

Oatmeal can be boring. Some people have told me I’M boring (yeah right though, right?). But maybe all a “boring” thing needs is a bit of sweetness added instead of judgement and rejection. You can put warm egg nog in your rolled oats in lieu of water! I’m not boring. Haha

PANCAKES

Stack ’em up like good memories!

If you’re having a rough day remembering the good times you had with your ex-fiancé Carrie before she left you for that maverick cop, maybe the festive taste of egg nog pancakes can put a smile back on your lips. Here’s to hoping. LMAO

MUFFINS

Whoa! Hope I can make these again soon!

That’s right! Why spend mucho bucks on a big chain eatery egg nog-flavoured muffin when you can make these scrumptious baked goods out of ingredients you probably already have in your pantry? That is, of course, unless your ex-fiancé Carrie took the muffin tins on the way out, which she did. Yikes!

ICING

I was the only one who ever made muffins though.

Hey, if you’ve already got the muffins! Why did she take the tins though? Do maverick cops even like muffins? They strike me as too macho for that. But that leftover egg nog can make the perfect addition to a rich cream cheese dessert topping recipe. Now THAT’S the icing on the cake! Not the fact that your ex-fiancé Carrie is already posting new engagement photos on IG when it’s only been like what, 46 days since you split up? How long had this been going on?

ICE CREAM

This ice cream can’t hurt me.

While homemade egg nog ice cream is cold and devoid of conscience, it would never leave you for a maverick cop and write an email to your employer that details -what you thought- were private conversations about all the derisive nicknames you have for your boss.

EGG NOG PIE

If you think about it, SHE’S the one with the problem. Not me.

The thing about your ex-fiancé Carrie dating a maverick cop now is that it makes it difficult to contact her regarding important legal documents of yours she took (probably without knowing it – she just packed up the whole filing cabinet thingie without a second thought), because he knows the law and can make a restraining order happen just like that. He has friends at the municipal court and everything. Egg Nog Pie.

MILKSHAKE

Egg nog milkshakes bring summer fun to wintertime!

Don’t blow up the police station. Your ex-fiancé Carrie doesn’t even work there. It seems like you’re focusing on the wrong person here, man. Regroup and make an egg nog milkshake!

YOU HAVE TO PUT YOUR OWN MENTAL HEALTH FIRST

Taoism says you should focus on what you can control.

Look, it’s not even like you want her back. You just need answers. I understand. “How long had she been making love to this maverick cop? Was it ever in our bed? Was what we had ever even real? Show me a picture of a maverick cop eating muffins and I’ll let the whole tin thing go?” You keep thinking it’s good idea to show up at her gym to ask these questions. But that’s just a good way to get kicked down the stairs by a maverick cop again. The questions you need to ask must come from a place of personal accountability. “How can I be happy? How do I learn to love myself and be comfortable BY myself? Is burning a single photograph of her in the fireplace while listening to her favourite song every night helping anything? Can I just purchase another muffin tin that isn’t associated with the best years of my life that turned out to be an era of profound betrayal?” I think she hid the remote for the TV, which is especially cruel considering that I was only ever kind to her. Try it in mashed sweet potatoes. I don’t know. My heart isn’t really in this anymore.

BIG OL’ BATHTUB FULL OF EGG NOG

I will find love again.

Why not? Pour that goop into the tuberooni and jump in with all your clothes on! It’s not like anyone’s gonna come home and give you guff for doing something zany. See? I can be fun, Carrie! Oh, you got engagement photos taken in a meadow? Wow, never seen THAT before. Is that a dilapidated barn in the background? Me oh my! And I’M the square just ‘cause I refused to let you peg me.

Hunter Collins is a disgraced botanist who lives in an abandoned mop factory. twitter.com/hunter_collins

Hunter Collins brand Astrology Juice gives you the best astrology! Because it’s made from actual constellations, Astrology Juice knows how to automatically adapt to your personal star sign so you can maximize your luck, love and crops! They will say this is just water in a jar, and those people are probably Geminis.

Even after it is bottled, Astrology Juice continues to gain astrology with every exposure to the night sky. Hold your Astrology Juice out towards the heavens so that you may keep absorbing the wisdom of the burning gas balls that govern your destiny! You will look so smart – PLUS, you will have so much astrology!

I know all you Pisces..ses will love Hunter Collins Astrology Juice, because you were born in the same month as each other and are therefore all the same! Click the link or image below to buy Astrology Juice today! Quick – before your astrology levels deplete, leaving you unable to win the lottery as easily as you normally would!

Note: bottle shape and liquid color may vary

astrology juice hunter collins star sign
Hunter Collins Astrology Juice

Local embarrassment Hunter Collins as Hellraiser’s “Pinhead”

I wanted to make a Hellraiser parody because I LOVE the Hellraiser series. So much, in fact, that I always make sure to wake up looking like a cenobite with a Joey Fatone goatee. The first film is a rightful horror touchstone, but the rest were like watching a one-footed pigeon with palsy try to become an eagle. Each sequel gets more disjointed and less cenobite-y; Pinhead’s dialogue sounds increasingly like the heavy metal lyrics I scribbled in my grade 10 agenda; and part 6 (“Hellseeker” – man, they’re good and cramming “hell” in there) boasts my favorite horror movie line to use on conspiracy dumdums: “Welcome to the worst nightmare of all: REALITY!”

So here is a little sketch I put together while in isolation, complete with 80’s special effects, a replica Lament Configuration and hell-threats galore! I give you: “HELLABADRAISER”!

Hellraiser parody
Hunter Collins’ “HELLABADRAISER” – a Hellraiser parody