The NFL’s 101st season kicks off today and Washington finally got rid of the Redskins name and logo. Luckily for the league, that’s their only ongoing controversy, so after the national anthem, the players can get up off their knees and get back to smashing their brains into miso paste until they murder all their loved ones. Nevertheless, Washington’s abandonment of the racist effigy is an increasingly common sign of positive change. A while back, The MLB’s Cleveland Indians got rid of Chief Waygu, I’m guessing ‘cause he looked NOTHING like a massaged Japanese cow. Here in Canada’s CFL, Edmonton’s seen its last Eskimo. But let me be the first one brave enough to say: that’s just the tip of the hate-berg (I almost went with “not n’iceberg”).
On the surface, there may only appear to be a handful of problematic franchise names and logos in pro sports, but I knew that if I looked hard enough, I could force myself to see a bunch more that would get my gender-neutral undergarments in a knot. Here’s a look at the most offensive team names and logos from all four major sports.
TW: all of them
HOCKEY:
-Shawinigan Cataractes (QMJHL)
This is beyond indecent. As a tanning bed addict (disorder #486 in the DSM5), I take mondo offense considering how at-risk I am of contracting cataracts – and my disease is NOT a costume. To rub it in, they gave this wacky guy a fancy colorful headdress knowing full well how hard it is for cataract sufferers to take in that breadth of hues. They should’ve had a little powwow to come up with something more sensitive.
-Eerie Otters (OHL)
The otter looks a bit Chinese. I obviously don’t think that’s a bad thing – I just don’t trust them to have done it for the right reasons. According to this guy Fred I met at a skin tag convention in Eerie, PA, the town’s “only got maybe five Chinese”. So why the Chinese otter? Probably safer to just dismantle the team, sell off all their gear and donate the proceeds to Falun Gong. Not sure if Falun Gong is good or bad, but I think they dance a lot, and if you hate dancing you’re a dancist and I’ll have you doxxed.
-Albany River Rats (AHL)
“River rat” is a heinous slur for Mexicans.
-Rockford Ice Hogs (AHL)
“Ice hog” is a heinous slur for ugly women from the Yukon.
-The Tacoma Ice River Whoores (NCAA)
Though part of me admires the old-timey spelling, we have to acknowledge that sex work is real work and that the only acceptable moniker for this team is “The Tacoma Ice River Sex Workers”. Man, that whoore is hot though.
FOOTBALL:
-Kansas City Chiefs (NFL)
Firefighters’ bosses have enough to worry about already. Change the name or I’m boycotting fire.
-Dallas Cowboys (NFL)
Being a half cow/half boy is a horrific mutation I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy (the little boy from the movie “Room”). Frankly, I’d rather be an ice hog.
-New York Giants (NFL)
Oh you think it’s *COOL* to name your team after these scary freaks who bump their heads on the top of every door frame and walk around like Frankenstein in their specially tailored monster pants to meet their date they met on some website for humongous abominations like them and then they all die before 50 ‘cause their hearts are so enlarged? Only in New York!
-New York Jets (NFL)
A whole team named after John Travolta’s tragically deceased son Jet? Real classy. NOT! Only in New York!
-The Tacoma Dumb Polacks (Pacific Trucker League)
Another heinous slur, albeit for White people, so it doesn’t really count. Still, it’s a little on the nose. Granted, that nose is pretty bulbous and hard to miss.
BASEBALL:
-Oakland A’s (MLB)
Literally discriminatory towards 25 of the alphabet’s 26 letters. Personally, I believe there are more than 26 letters in our alphabet, including @, # and &. I don’t know what the non-binary equivalent of this stance is, so I’ll just go out on a limb (is that ableist?) and say I believe in non-twentysixinary spelling.
-Atlanta Braves (MLB)
How DARE they… name a team… after a COLOSSAL DUMP like Atlanta? That place is like Houston with twice the piss and half the vocabulary.
-Tampa Rays (MLB)
Every guy named Ray is an asshole. They always shave their sideburns too short, eat bananas as loudly as possible, and had sex with my mom when I was in high school.
-Miami Marlins (MLB)
Congratulations! You just named your team after the worst Wayans brother. And it’s pretty hard to top Shawn!
-The Tacoma DVD Copies Of 2004 Box Office Calamity Garden State (Northwestern Baseball Association For Dorks)
Forcedly quirky. Laboredly devoid of substance. Absolutely disgusting. I’m less offended by Chief Waygu.
BASKETBALL:
-Boston Celtics (NBA)
This is a completely inaccurate depiction of an Irishman! No ranga-orange hair. No barf stains on his little prick bow tie. No sign of a “mudder” he deeply resents. No cuts on his knuckles from “having tried to tell Sheilagh twice”. The palsy in the eye checks out, but the loser in this logo must be a goddamn dirty protestant!
-Denver Nuggets (NBA)
Call me old fashioned, but I don’t think you should name a team that predominantly employs Black athletes the N-blank-double-G anything.
-Xinjiang Flying Tigers (CBA)
You shouldn’t give fans the false hope of seeing a tiger fly one day. “Flying” tigers? What’s next? “Skateboarding” trout? A “female” president? Get real or GTFO.
-Washington Wizards (NBA)
Patriarchy.
-Sacramento Kings (NBA)
Patriarchy.
-Houston Rockets (NBA)
Rockets are made by brilliant scientists (ableist – check!) who went to Ivy League colleges (classist – check!) and they look like huge dongs with flames coming out the ball area (patriarchy – check!).
-Utah Jizz (NBA)
Patriarchy.
-The Tacoma Maybe We Shouldn’t Let The Mentally Challenged Breed (West Coast Eugenics League)
There’s something very wrong with Tacoma.