Fine! We’ll change the team name but now there’s NO name for ANYBODY!

The NFL’s 101st season kicks off today and Washington finally got rid of the Redskins name and logo. Luckily for the league, that’s their only ongoing controversy, so after the national anthem, the players can get up off their knees and get back to smashing their brains into miso paste until they murder all their loved ones. Nevertheless, Washington’s abandonment of the racist effigy is an increasingly common sign of positive change. A while back, The MLB’s Cleveland Indians got rid of Chief Waygu, I’m guessing ‘cause he looked NOTHING like a massaged Japanese cow. Here in Canada’s CFL, Edmonton’s seen its last Eskimo. But let me be the first one brave enough to say: that’s just the tip of the hate-berg (I almost went with “not n’iceberg”).

On the surface, there may only appear to be a handful of problematic franchise names and logos in pro sports, but I knew that if I looked hard enough, I could force myself to see a bunch more that would get my gender-neutral undergarments in a knot. Here’s a look at the most offensive team names and logos from all four major sports.

TW: all of them

HOCKEY:
-Shawinigan Cataractes (QMJHL)

Quebec is always 40 years behind.

This is beyond indecent. As a tanning bed addict (disorder #486 in the DSM5), I take mondo offense considering how at-risk I am of contracting cataracts – and my disease is NOT a costume. To rub it in, they gave this wacky guy a fancy colorful headdress knowing full well how hard it is for cataract sufferers to take in that breadth of hues. They should’ve had a little powwow to come up with something more sensitive.

-Eerie Otters (OHL)

They “otter” change this logo ASAP.

The otter looks a bit Chinese. I obviously don’t think that’s a bad thing – I just don’t trust them to have done it for the right reasons. According to this guy Fred I met at a skin tag convention in Eerie, PA, the town’s “only got maybe five Chinese”. So why the Chinese otter? Probably safer to just dismantle the team, sell off all their gear and donate the proceeds to Falun Gong. Not sure if Falun Gong is good or bad, but I think they dance a lot, and if you hate dancing you’re a dancist and I’ll have you doxxed.


-Albany River Rats (AHL)

Literally the best resolution available.

“River rat” is a heinous slur for Mexicans.

-Rockford Ice Hogs (AHL)

Someone contact Pumba and notify him of the copyright infringement.

“Ice hog” is a heinous slur for ugly women from the Yukon.

-The Tacoma Ice River Whoores (NCAA)

That W.A.P. is gonna get icicles.

Though part of me admires the old-timey spelling, we have to acknowledge that sex work is real work and that the only acceptable moniker for this team is “The Tacoma Ice River Sex Workers”. Man, that whoore is hot though.

FOOTBALL:
-Kansas City Chiefs (NFL)

For years I thought this was the fried chicken joint logo.

Firefighters’ bosses have enough to worry about already. Change the name or I’m boycotting fire.

-Dallas Cowboys (NFL)

Two of my favorite words: “cowb” and “oys”.

Being a half cow/half boy is a horrific mutation I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy (the little boy from the movie “Room”). Frankly, I’d rather be an ice hog.


-New York Giants (NFL)

The preferred NYC NFL franchise of diabetic cabbies.

Oh you think it’s *COOL* to name your team after these scary freaks who bump their heads on the top of every door frame and walk around like Frankenstein in their specially tailored monster pants to meet their date they met on some website for humongous abominations like them and then they all die before 50 ‘cause their hearts are so enlarged? Only in New York!


-New York Jets (NFL)

$50 if you can spot all the footballs!

A whole team named after John Travolta’s tragically deceased son Jet? Real classy. NOT! Only in New York!

-The Tacoma Dumb Polacks (Pacific Trucker League)

Yikes.

Another heinous slur, albeit for White people, so it doesn’t really count. Still, it’s a little on the nose. Granted, that nose is pretty bulbous and hard to miss.

BASEBALL:
-Oakland A’s (MLB)

The TM stands for “to-mouth”.

Literally discriminatory towards 25 of the alphabet’s 26 letters. Personally, I believe there are more than 26 letters in our alphabet, including @, # and &. I don’t know what the non-binary equivalent of this stance is, so I’ll just go out on a limb (is that ableist?) and say I believe in non-twentysixinary spelling.


-Atlanta Braves (MLB)

Fun to pronounce the way you would “Chaves”.

How DARE they… name a team… after a COLOSSAL DUMP like Atlanta? That place is like Houston with twice the piss and half the vocabulary.


-Tampa Rays (MLB)

I guess the .com was taken.

Every guy named Ray is an asshole. They always shave their sideburns too short, eat bananas as loudly as possible, and had sex with my mom when I was in high school.


-Miami Marlins (MLB)

Those aren’t baseball laces. It’s toxins leeching from the fish’s swim bladder.

Congratulations! You just named your team after the worst Wayans brother. And it’s pretty hard to top Shawn!


-The Tacoma DVD Copies Of 2004 Box Office Calamity Garden State (Northwestern Baseball Association For Dorks)

Marginally worse than the Tacoma Ghost Worlds.

Forcedly quirky. Laboredly devoid of substance. Absolutely disgusting. I’m less offended by Chief Waygu.

BASKETBALL:
-Boston Celtics (NBA)

Get a loada the curve on that gunt!

This is a completely inaccurate depiction of an Irishman! No ranga-orange hair. No barf stains on his little prick bow tie. No sign of a “mudder” he deeply resents. No cuts on his knuckles from “having tried to tell Sheilagh twice”. The palsy in the eye checks out, but the loser in this logo must be a goddamn dirty protestant!


-Denver Nuggets (NBA)

Didn’t their old logo look like a game of Q*bert?

Call me old fashioned, but I don’t think you should name a team that predominantly employs Black athletes the N-blank-double-G anything.


-Xinjiang Flying Tigers (CBA)

Half this league’s teams are named after tigers.

You shouldn’t give fans the false hope of seeing a tiger fly one day. “Flying” tigers? What’s next? “Skateboarding” trout? A “female” president? Get real or GTFO.


-Washington Wizards (NBA)

Least wizardy logo ever.

Patriarchy.

-Sacramento Kings (NBA)

Purple Bart Simpson.

Patriarchy.


-Houston Rockets (NBA)

Oh I get it: the basketball is the WORLD.

Rockets are made by brilliant scientists (ableist – check!) who went to Ivy League colleges (classist – check!) and they look like huge dongs with flames coming out the ball area (patriarchy – check!).


-Utah Jizz (NBA)

Name rolls off the tongue (going the other way).

Patriarchy.


-The Tacoma Maybe We Shouldn’t Let The Mentally Challenged Breed (West Coast Eugenics League)

There’s something very wrong with Tacoma.

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Note: bottle shape and liquid color may vary

astrology juice hunter collins star sign
Hunter Collins Astrology Juice

Yo eyeballs – over here!

Summer is here and the best way to get back at that bastard sun for making your skin welt and your taint melt is to pick up some merch so hot it burns the sizzling gas-bag back!

The Hunter Collins summer collection of T-shirts and tank tops features a graphic based on his trademark bit about the best line in movie history. That distinction belongs to a henchman who screams “POINT [YOUR] TITTIES NORTH AND STEP ON THE GAS!” in the Jean-Claude Van Damme masterpiece Hard Target“.

Unisex T-shirts ($25 + shipping) are available in three different colors: “Monkey Booger Green”, “Cheeto Finger Heathered Orange”, and “Steer Tuchus Black” (also featured in a women’s cut). The shirts are Gildan Softstyle tees and they make you feel like you’re breastfeeding god herself.

Unisex tank tops ($30 + shipping) come in two colors: “Fancy Meth Blue” and “Dead Racing Dog Heathered Grey”. The tanks are elite quality Bella + Canvas jersey tank tops, ideal for any gender and they’re so soft they make Mumford & Sons look like Suge Knight.

Hit the merch tab at the top of the page or click the picture below to check out the store!

Hunter Collins summer t-shirt and tank top collection – so color!

Local embarrassment Hunter Collins as Hellraiser’s “Pinhead”

I wanted to make a Hellraiser parody because I LOVE the Hellraiser series. So much, in fact, that I always make sure to wake up looking like a cenobite with a Joey Fatone goatee. The first film is a rightful horror touchstone, but the rest were like watching a one-footed pigeon with palsy try to become an eagle. Each sequel gets more disjointed and less cenobite-y; Pinhead’s dialogue sounds increasingly like the heavy metal lyrics I scribbled in my grade 10 agenda; and part 6 (“Hellseeker” – man, they’re good and cramming “hell” in there) boasts my favorite horror movie line to use on conspiracy dumdums: “Welcome to the worst nightmare of all: REALITY!”

So here is a little sketch I put together while in isolation, complete with 80’s special effects, a replica Lament Configuration and hell-threats galore! I give you: “HELLABADRAISER”!

Hellraiser parody
Hunter Collins’ “HELLABADRAISER” – a Hellraiser parody

I’m going outside… to take my stand-up comedy on the road! You know what’s actually contagious? LAUGHTER! This pandemic is being blown way out of proportion *sneeze*. Personally, *cough* I feel that if I can hork a loog into a napkin *disconcerting wheeze* without seeing any lung-chunks, it’s safe to perform my art to a paying audience of whatever number it’s now illegal to gather in *projectile vomits lung chunks*. Here’s all the info for the Hunter Collins COVID 19-DATE TOUR!

  • FERGUS, ON – Saturday March 28 @A Loblaws Being Ransacked For Beans 9PM
  • OTTAWA, ON – Sunday March 29 @Some Empty Pit 9PM
  • KINGSTON, ON – Monday March 30 @FEMA Checkpoint 9PM
  • CORNWALL, ON – Tuesday March 31 @Cannibalism-Optional Beach 9PM
  • ST-JOHN, NB – Wednesday April 1 @Marauder’s Brothel That Used To Be A Quizno’s 9PM
  • HALIFAX, NS – Thursday April 2 @keep running 9PM
  • AJAX, ON – Friday April 3 @A Generous Oracle’s Cave 9PM
  • AJAX, ON – Saturday April 4 @My Cave (ate The Oracle) 9PM
  • SUDBURY, ON – Tuesday April 5 @Bonecruncher’s Battledome/Bed & Breakfast 9PM
  • OTTAWA, ON – April 6 @That Empty Pit Is Overflowing With The Carcasses of Our Fallen Now 9PM
  • MONTREAL, QC – Sunday April 7 @My Childhood Home Where I Find My Parents In Bed As Desiccated Corpses Holding Hands 9PM
  • TORONTO, ON – Monday April 8 @The Abandoned Rogers Centre (pretty cool!) 9PM
  • BARRIE, ON – April 9 @Insane Jack’s House of Spears 9PM
  • TORONTO, ON – Thursday April 10 @*DAY OFF TO CAUTERIZE SPEAR WOUNDS*
  • SUDBURY, ON – Saturday April 11 @Jaw-Smasher’s Battledome, Formerly Bonecruncher’s Battledome 9PM
  • WINDSOR, ON – Sunday April 12 @Hey, something’s happening on the other side of the border 9PM
  • DETROIT, MI – Sunday April 13 @Riot of the Century 9PM
  • BORDERS MEAN NOTHING NOW – Monday April 14 @Mountain of the Leech King 9PM
  • NEW GAIA – Tuesday April 15 @Being Frank With Frank D’Angelo 9PM

I’ve compiled some of my most phantasmagorical material for you beauty western timezone sweat-hogs! I’ll have tons of “Cock Delivery Man” T-shirts on-hand (pics below) for all the Huntamaniacs too! Hope you can all venture out of your oil pits (lookin’ at you, Alberta) and your kelp nests (lookin’ at you, BC) to come have a laugh and get your faces splattered! xo

The site was down for a little bit due to a chimpanzee infestation at Hunter Collins HQ, but huntercomedy.com is up and running (and completely chimp-less) again!

On the new site, you can watch videos, check show dates, find links to Hunter’s albums, plus all the contact info you need to send him vile hate mail!

Thanks for stopping by and remember that bear traps may seem like an effective chimpanzee eradication measure, but they only serve to flare up their superhuman rage!