Summer is here and the best way to get back at that bastard sun for making your skin welt and your taint melt is to pick up some merch so hot it burns the sizzling gas-bag back!
The Hunter Collins summer collection of T-shirts and tank tops features a graphic based on his trademark bit about the best line in movie history. That distinction belongs to a henchman who screams “POINT [YOUR] TITTIES NORTH AND STEP ON THE GAS!” in the Jean-Claude Van Damme masterpiece Hard Target“.
Unisex T-shirts ($25 + shipping) are available in three different colors: “Monkey Booger Green”, “Cheeto Finger Heathered Orange”, and “Steer Tuchus Black” (also featured in a women’s cut). The shirts are Gildan Softstyle tees and they make you feel like you’re breastfeeding god herself.
Unisex tank tops ($30 + shipping) come in two colors: “Fancy Meth Blue” and “Dead Racing Dog Heathered Grey”. The tanks are elite quality Bella + Canvas jersey tank tops, ideal for any gender and they’re so soft they make Mumford & Sons look like Suge Knight.
Hit the merch tab at the top of the page or click the picture below to check out the store!
I wanted to make a Hellraiser parody because I LOVE the Hellraiser series. So much, in fact, that I always make sure to wake up looking like a cenobite with a Joey Fatone goatee. The first film is a rightful horror touchstone, but the rest were like watching a one-footed pigeon with palsy try to become an eagle. Each sequel gets more disjointed and less cenobite-y; Pinhead’s dialogue sounds increasingly like the heavy metal lyrics I scribbled in my grade 10 agenda; and part 6 (“Hellseeker” – man, they’re good and cramming “hell” in there) boasts my favorite horror movie line to use on conspiracy dumdums: “Welcome to the worst nightmare of all: REALITY!”
So here is a little sketch I put together while in isolation, complete with 80’s special effects, a replica Lament Configuration and hell-threats galore! I give you: “HELLABADRAISER”!
I’m going outside… to take my stand-up comedy on the road! You know what’s actually contagious? LAUGHTER! This pandemic is being blown way out of proportion *sneeze*. Personally, *cough* I feel that if I can hork a loog into a napkin *disconcerting wheeze* without seeing any lung-chunks, it’s safe to perform my art to a paying audience of whatever number it’s now illegal to gather in *projectile vomits lung chunks*. Here’s all the info for the Hunter Collins COVID 19-DATE TOUR!
FERGUS, ON – Saturday March 28 @A Loblaws Being Ransacked For Beans 9PM
OTTAWA, ON – Sunday March 29 @Some Empty Pit 9PM
KINGSTON, ON – Monday March 30 @FEMA Checkpoint 9PM
CORNWALL, ON – Tuesday March 31 @Cannibalism-Optional Beach 9PM
ST-JOHN, NB – Wednesday April 1 @Marauder’s Brothel That Used To Be A Quizno’s 9PM
HALIFAX, NS – Thursday April 2 @keep running 9PM
AJAX, ON – Friday April 3 @A Generous Oracle’s Cave 9PM
AJAX, ON – Saturday April 4 @My Cave (ate The Oracle) 9PM
SUDBURY, ON – Tuesday April 5 @Bonecruncher’s Battledome/Bed & Breakfast 9PM
OTTAWA, ON – April 6 @That Empty Pit Is Overflowing With The Carcasses of Our Fallen Now 9PM
MONTREAL, QC – Sunday April 7 @My Childhood Home Where I Find My Parents In Bed As Desiccated Corpses Holding Hands 9PM
TORONTO, ON – Monday April 8 @The Abandoned Rogers Centre (pretty cool!) 9PM
BARRIE, ON – April 9 @Insane Jack’s House of Spears 9PM
TORONTO, ON – Thursday April 10 @*DAY OFF TO CAUTERIZE SPEAR WOUNDS*
SUDBURY, ON – Saturday April 11 @Jaw-Smasher’s Battledome, Formerly Bonecruncher’s Battledome 9PM
WINDSOR, ON – Sunday April 12 @Hey, something’s happening on the other side of the border 9PM
DETROIT, MI – Sunday April 13 @Riot of the Century 9PM
BORDERS MEAN NOTHING NOW – Monday April 14 @Mountain of the Leech King 9PM
NEW GAIA – Tuesday April 15 @Being Frank With Frank D’Angelo 9PM
I’ve compiled some of my most phantasmagorical material for you beauty western timezone sweat-hogs! I’ll have tons of “Cock Delivery Man” T-shirts on-hand (pics below) for all the Huntamaniacs too! Hope you can all venture out of your oil pits (lookin’ at you, Alberta) and your kelp nests (lookin’ at you, BC) to come have a laugh and get your faces splattered! xo