10 CREATIVE WAYS TO USE EGG NOG

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Mmm! The best part about egg nog? So noggy!

As the Christmas parties wind down and little baby Jesus’ birthday approaches, you might be left with a few extra cartons of egg nog in your fridge. Instead of pouring all that creamy goodness down the drain (which can be harmful to sewer rats – talk about “eek!”), you can put that nog to work by working your noggin! Getting creative is good way to keep the sad reality of the holidays away. Here are 10 creative ways to use egg nog.

COFFEE OR TEA WITH EGG NOG

A great perk-you-up for lonely times!

Yes! Believe it or not, you can substitute your milk or non-dairy creamer for egg nog. Heck, sometimes I even substitute the coffee itself and just enjoy a big honkin’ glass of egg nog! *gulp* LOL

EGG NOG OATMEAL

Healthy AND fun. Like me! Right? What’s wrong with that?

Oatmeal can be boring. Some people have told me I’M boring (yeah right though, right?). But maybe all a “boring” thing needs is a bit of sweetness added instead of judgement and rejection. You can put warm egg nog in your rolled oats in lieu of water! I’m not boring. Haha

PANCAKES

Stack ’em up like good memories!

If you’re having a rough day remembering the good times you had with your ex-fiancé Carrie before she left you for that maverick cop, maybe the festive taste of egg nog pancakes can put a smile back on your lips. Here’s to hoping. LMAO

MUFFINS

Whoa! Hope I can make these again soon!

That’s right! Why spend mucho bucks on a big chain eatery egg nog-flavoured muffin when you can make these scrumptious baked goods out of ingredients you probably already have in your pantry? That is, of course, unless your ex-fiancé Carrie took the muffin tins on the way out, which she did. Yikes!

ICING

I was the only one who ever made muffins though.

Hey, if you’ve already got the muffins! Why did she take the tins though? Do maverick cops even like muffins? They strike me as too macho for that. But that leftover egg nog can make the perfect addition to a rich cream cheese dessert topping recipe. Now THAT’S the icing on the cake! Not the fact that your ex-fiancé Carrie is already posting new engagement photos on IG when it’s only been like what, 46 days since you split up? How long had this been going on?

ICE CREAM

This ice cream can’t hurt me.

While homemade egg nog ice cream is cold and devoid of conscience, it would never leave you for a maverick cop and write an email to your employer that details -what you thought- were private conversations about all the derisive nicknames you have for your boss.

EGG NOG PIE

If you think about it, SHE’S the one with the problem. Not me.

The thing about your ex-fiancé Carrie dating a maverick cop now is that it makes it difficult to contact her regarding important legal documents of yours she took (probably without knowing it – she just packed up the whole filing cabinet thingie without a second thought), because he knows the law and can make a restraining order happen just like that. He has friends at the municipal court and everything. Egg Nog Pie.

MILKSHAKE

Egg nog milkshakes bring summer fun to wintertime!

Don’t blow up the police station. Your ex-fiancé Carrie doesn’t even work there. It seems like you’re focusing on the wrong person here, man. Regroup and make an egg nog milkshake!

YOU HAVE TO PUT YOUR OWN MENTAL HEALTH FIRST

Taoism says you should focus on what you can control.

Look, it’s not even like you want her back. You just need answers. I understand. “How long had she been making love to this maverick cop? Was it ever in our bed? Was what we had ever even real? Show me a picture of a maverick cop eating muffins and I’ll let the whole tin thing go?” You keep thinking it’s good idea to show up at her gym to ask these questions. But that’s just a good way to get kicked down the stairs by a maverick cop again. The questions you need to ask must come from a place of personal accountability. “How can I be happy? How do I learn to love myself and be comfortable BY myself? Is burning a single photograph of her in the fireplace while listening to her favourite song every night helping anything? Can I just purchase another muffin tin that isn’t associated with the best years of my life that turned out to be an era of profound betrayal?” I think she hid the remote for the TV, which is especially cruel considering that I was only ever kind to her. Try it in mashed sweet potatoes. I don’t know. My heart isn’t really in this anymore.

BIG OL’ BATHTUB FULL OF EGG NOG

I will find love again.

Why not? Pour that goop into the tuberooni and jump in with all your clothes on! It’s not like anyone’s gonna come home and give you guff for doing something zany. See? I can be fun, Carrie! Oh, you got engagement photos taken in a meadow? Wow, never seen THAT before. Is that a dilapidated barn in the background? Me oh my! And I’M the square just ‘cause I refused to let you peg me.

Hunter Collins is a disgraced botanist who lives in an abandoned mop factory. twitter.com/hunter_collins

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