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Yuletide bleedings! We all know the Christmas season can be taxing on your peace: your nephew is having a Leave Britney Alone level shit-fit ‘cause you got him the wrong Yu-Gi-Oh, Uncle Ed’s griping about his fuckin’ lumbar nonstop, and Auntie Cynthia won’t leave you alone about why you don’t have kids yet (I have broken cum, Cynthia! Is that what you want to hear? Enjoy the froth on that London fog.) Sometimes you just need to get away from that action, trade in the humdrum for some humbug and watch motherfuckers kill people on TV for a few hours. No, I’m not talking about the NFL, I’m taking about Christmas horror movies! And so I’ve compiled 10 Christmas Horror Movies To Watch Over the Holidays!

This jolly list is sure to put tinsel on your tits: some so-bad-it’s-good, some legit and a few wild cards. Though I love Antichristmas stalwarts like Gremlins and the O.G. Black Christmas, this list features lesser-known titles you can bring to your group of plucky Xmas defectors. No one wants to be the geek going, “Oh you like horror fillums? Let’s watch Nightmare Before Christmas!” That person needs to be hogtied with tree lights and basted with hot ham grease like there’s no Boxing Day.

1. Red Snow (2021)

Christmassyness: like a conversation you’re having about fishing and the other person goes, “hey isn’t it Christmas next week?” and you go, “Oh yeah. Anyway, about these sturgeon…”

What if I told you there was a movie that did for snow-vampires what Dead Snow did for snow-zombies? And what if you watched said movie and got really mad at me because there were only 3 vampires in the whole thing and it clearly cost a fraction of what Dead Snow cost to make and none of the vampires could act? And what then if I told you that you can’t get mad at a guy whose sperm is so broken it comes out tail-first? This is that movie.

A broke, aspiring Anne Rice type (the bangs are NOTICEABLE) is alone for Christmas when she traps an ailing vampire in her garage. She forges a friendship with him as she nurses him back to health in exchange for his life experience, which she puts towards rewriting her new vamp novel. Red Snow has one foot planted in so-bad-it’s-good territory, but it’s so bonkers, charming and self-aware that you can’t help but proudly shake your head and go, “You did it, you goddamn sonsofbitches: you and your 85-dollar budget made me care what happens to Ol’ Bangs-Head.”

Film’s Gift: what’s the opposite of a full frontal? Anyways, there’s a “full rear-al” shot where the main vampire guy reveals the shortest butt-crack this side of a Ken doll. You could’t squeeze a Tic-Tac between those cheeks (though I’m sure the breath refreshment would be welcome).

10 horror movies to watch on Christmas
What is this, a buttcrack for ANTS?

2. Wind Chill (2007)

Hey! I love your jacket and deformed head! Can I talk to you about Amnesty International for a minute?

Christmassyness: about as Christmassy as a jack-o-latern filled with Easter eggs on Yom Kippur.

It’s hard to pull off Christmas horror movies without them becoming a goofy comedy affair where the main characters wind up dressed as elves, fending off homicidal reindeer with sharpened candy canes and scalding zombie gingerbread men (or zombie gingerbread womyn!) with egg nog lava. That’s why I admire this film’s approach to Christmas movie qualification: mention Christmas once in the opening scene and boom – Christmas horror movie. If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then this counts too! And so is that home video I have of my hammered dad singing Jingle Bells on the 4th of July right before he pissed in the hibachi.

This film puts Emily Blunt (of Emily Blunt fame) in the jalopy passenger seat of a ride-share driven by a fellow college student who’s supposed to be a nerdy-ass creepazoid, but he’s like this handsome creepazoid they tried to nerd up by giving him those oily matted down emo bangs that make it look like you passed out with your forehead pressed against Hulk Hogan’s chest. Their ride home to Delaware for the holidays goes screwy after the driver takes some questionable backroads and reveals to know a bit too much about Blunt’s personal life. Wind Chill features a few jumps and creeps that are par for the course for its time and is firmly planted in the horror genre.

Film’s Gift: the takeaway is pretty much “stalking is okay as long as you really mean it and also ACAB”.

3. A Creepshow Holiday Special (2020)

“Who ordered warm laps?!”

Christmassyness: more Christmas spirit than the shelves of Dollarama in late September (i.e. oodles)!

The legitimacy of the Creepshow brand fell like an elf off a very tall shelf after Creepshow 2, so I was skeptical when desperate for Xmas content and resorting to A Creepshow Holiday Special. But you know when you walk into a low expectation situation, like a fistfight at a Pier 1 Imports or a visit to the Portuguese dentist, and you walk out mega-pumped even though your mouth is a little bloody? That’s this 46-minute horror-comedy about a tortured man who seeks answers and support from a Shapeshifters Anonymous meeting. Unluckily for this guy, it turns out Santa fucking hates shapeshifters and a war is nigh.

I’m usually nonplussed by horror-comedy, but this plays like an Adam McKay line-o-rama with actually funny, vibrant characters. It has all the hallmarks of a good holiday genre film, including quality practical effects that supersede much of the Creepshow episodic fare and a story that’s less predictable than a Kanye interview.

Film’s Gift: one word – wereturtle.

4. Santa Jaws (2018)

That’s one way to shave the holiday pounds off your ass…

Christmassyness: like day 4 of Christmas vacation when you can’t even look at another Lindt ball.

-hot-dog eating contests
-a monkey wearing a cowboy hat
-self-flagellating with a wet spatula
-Jessica Simpson
-narcoleptic hopscotch
-a potato with googly eyes glued to it
-the nation of Poland

None of the above are in the movie, but all of the above have more creative merit than Sharksploitation films and this Syfy Original is no exception. But this one takes it so far, your bus transfer’ll expire. It’s frankly commendable. Santa Jaws is a great way to start your Antichristmas if you still have one foot in a living room argument with brother-in-law Jerry about why “all lives matter” is not a good tramp stamp idea. And a fun game to play is to look around the room and imagine which mounds of grime under your furniture would give more believable performances than the cast of Santa Jaws.

One thing that’ll put a kink in your popcorn garland is that you’ll probably have to pirate it off an illegal Russian horse betting site ‘cause I can’t find it streaming anywhere right now.

Film’s Gift: It’s easy to underestimate how many Christmas tropes you can tie to a single CGI shark, but I’ll say this: Santa hat on a dorsal fin.

5. The Advent Calendar (2020)

“Merry German Christmas. Please accept my most emotionless and sterile greetings. I bought you a gift. It is one kilo of iodized salt.”

Christmassyness: feels like a makeout session with Ebenezer Scrooge himself.

This is a film that forces you to look at the age-old hypothetical: she’s a 10… but she’s a paraplegic and kills people using a haunted advent calendar. Also she’s Belgian and they’re the only French-speakers lower in the hierarchy than Quebecers. The titular entity is a gift a friend brings back from Germany. Every day, the advent calendar releases a candy that once eaten, grants a wish. Being a German wish machine, it’s beyond me why it doesn’t just offer the eradication of laughter every day.

The lead is in a wheelchair and her dad is catatonic, prompting you to wonder if this family is just really bad with fireworks or something. They bluntly lay out all the heroine’s problems and you can see how she’ll use the advent calendar to screw everything up with hasty wishes. It’s a very effective scary movie even though it leans on several tired tropes: cheap jumps, a blind guy who’s not just “regular blind” but has eyes that look like ice cream loogies, fingernails getting pulled back and the classic drawn-out gunpoint scene where at the last second they cut to an exterior of the house and a muzzle flare flashing in the window. Despite the adherence to convention, the premise carries the film from start to finish.

Film’s Gift: an indirect death by boner pill.

6. P2 (2007)

Christmassyness: like those Reese’s peanut butter cups shaped into Christmas trees. You bite it expecting something reminiscent of that winter magic, but swiftly realize it’s just a fucking peanut butter cup.

Still, you know this is a Christmas movie because it’s about a girl leaving an office Christmas party late at night, a coworker sexually harasses her while wearing felt reindeer antlers, and in one scene the bad guy sings Blue Christmas. It comes from the minds of Alexandre Aja and Gregory Levasseur, who were behind the likes of Haute Tension, The Hills Have Eyes remake and Piranha 3D, so you can rest assured they’ll crank the intensity up to 11. Any filmmaker with the capacity to fire up the screenwriting software and type, “-and then the piranha chews her tits…” is going to give you something memorable. Should note, if you can’t handle seeing dogs getting bludgeoned and impaled to death with a tire iron -BY YOUR PROTAGONIST-… maybe watch Nightmare Before Christmas instead.

P2 stars Rachel Nichols wearing a dress that looks like wax paper someone used to reheat fried chicken. When she leaves the office, she gets abducted by a crazed underground parking attendant played by Wes Bentley. Poor typecast Wes Bentley. He probably walks around pleading with people, “I swear! I’m not a murderous freak who’s attracted to plastic bags!” Then they look at his face for one second and they’re like, “Yeah right. You fuck, stab and eat bags, man.”

A lot of these Christmas horror movies are confinement based (allegory for the shackles of family obligations, anyone?), so that’s why you slide Santa Jaws in the middle to shake things up. But P2 is easy and low stakes! Fairly paint-by-the-numbers. No one’s acting too hard. Even the dog is such a shitty actor that at one point I heard him flub a line and meow.

Film’s Gift: a pervert gets turned to mush by the front end of a sedan.

Bag-fucker.

7. A L’intérieur – aka Inside (2007)

“Susan, it’s your turn to clean the bathroom.”

Christmassyness: like Christmas in Saudi Arabia. You know it’s supposed to be Christmas. You just don’t feel it.

Director duo Alex Bustillo and Julien Maury pumped out this French new wave horror about a widowed expecting mother who’s home alone on Christmas Eve (Christmas horror movie) when a dark intruder begins hunting her throughout the house. We all know, dark intruders only show up to pregnant mothers’ homes for one reason: they want your baaaaaaabyyyyyy! The whole thing feels like a rural Irish maternity ward, complete with catfights, botched caesarians and knitting needle attacks. But the scares and creeps are genuine, brutal and creative. This is a legit horror to put on for a true scare.

Film’s Gift: best shotgun head explosion of all-time.

8. Better Watch Out (2016)

I’m wearing this to the Met Gala.

Christmassyness: as Christmassy as the feeling you get when you put on a sweater you got for Christmas 3 months ago.

Virginia Madsen and Putty from Seinfeld are rich assholes heading out to a Christmas party (Christmas movie: CHECK) so they leave their 12 year-old kid with the babysitter he has an uncomfortable hard-on for (TW: tween boners are explored). So when gun-toting intruders swarm the house, the kid is compelled to set up boobytraps and save the day, proving his virility to the babysitter he so greatly wishes to, I dunno, do? Gotta say, the most horrific part of this film is the unsettling sexual dynamic between a 12 year-old boy and a 17 year-old girl. It’s like going to school in Florida.

The lead kid is basically Home Alone’s Kevin McAllister if he listened to too much Jordan Peterson. You get some twists and kills and the setting is Christmassy enough to fill your heart with holiday churn. I just recommend having a pot of mulled wine on standby, ‘cause you’ll wanna get a little sloppy and mutter “fuck you, you little bastard” at the screen a bunch.

Film’s Gift: swearing kids. That stuff always takes me back to my time as an Angolan child soldier.

9. Christmas Bloody Christmas (2022)

“🎵Making a list, cyborg eye-lasering it twice…🎵”

Christmassyness: the movie is a big ol’ Christmas stocking full of meth!

A great alternate title would have been “Fubar VS Terminator Santa”. A couple of record store skids close up the shop for Christmas just as an animatronic Santa that uses US military firmware becomes sentient and goes haywire, obviously stuck on kill mode. The film is refreshing in its abandonment of structure, yet in lockstep with horror fans’ wants in its wealth of carnage.

And look, I’ve seen a lot of killer Santa movies, but director Joe Begos’ grindhouse/synthwave motif on Christmas Bloody Christmas takes it right to the top of my naughty list. It’s on Shudder right now.

Film’s Gift: a TON of axe kills. We’re talkin’ more hatchet jobs than the NOW Magazine comedy album review section.

10. Fuck it: watch Gremlins or Black Christmas

10 horror movies to watch on Christmas
The phone call is coming from INSIDE THE MOGWAI!

They’re the best two Christmas horror movies. Or not. What do I know? I’m just a childless loser with limping jizz. RIGHT, CYNTHIA?

Hunter Collins is a retired chinchilla breeder with a prolapsed coccyx and little pile of blankets he sleeps on in your shed.

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This photo shoot left 75% of my body covered in third degree burns.

My new stand-up comedy album Hunter Collins Goes To Hell comes out tomorrow and let me tell you, I really tried.

I tried to make an album that pleases everybody and their grandma. Which is why the last twenty minutes is just grainy covers of Gene Autry ballads.

I tried to make an album for the little guy. And his teeny wife. And their puny children.

I tried to make an album that my dead dad would like, just in case they have Spotify in hell.

I tried to make an album that reminds you of your youth, especially if you were raised in a comedy club surrounded by 300 drunks and an owner who refuses to give you free soda.

I tried to make an album that if played in reverse, sucks.

I tried to make an album that leaves you feeling braver than you believe you are, smarter than you think you are and stronger than you seem. The perfect gift for any cowardly idiotic wimp.

I tried to make an album that makes conservatives froth at the mouth. And makes the far left’s eyes water. And gives everyone else mad cow disease.

I tried to make an album reminiscent of George Carlin’s early work, before he became a comedian and worked as a pig-shit delivery man.

I tried to make an album that’s carbon-neutral. This killed a thousand carbon mining jobs and the miners union has vowed their revenge.

I tried to make an album that punches up. And also karate chops sideways and commits vehicular manslaughter to the southeast.

I tried to make an album that puts the “ire” in “satire”, the “rev” in “irreverent” and the “puke” in “I’m gonna puke”.

I tried to make an album that uses the super goodest words and rocks so goodly that you have to look some of the words up because you’re not sure if they’re fermunculous.

I tried to make an album that serves as an homage to my comedic idol: Odie from the Garfield comics.

I tried to make an album that paints me as a humble man. Ideally, the appeal of my unparalleled humility will help rake in millions, so I don’t have to talk to the likes of you anymore.

I tried to make an album that speaks to paranoid schizophrenics, even hours before they put it on.

I tried to make a feel-good album, which is why every physical copy is coated with a thin layer of codeine you can lick off (it might taste like mad cow).

I tried to make an album that makes you want to call your mom, because isn’t that the same voice that keeps leaving her lewd anonymous voicemails?

I tried to make an album that makes Drew Carey look like Hannah Gadsby. I guess it worked.

I tried to make an album that slaps, but Apple said the cost of updating every phone with a foam-rubber hand on a spring that shoots out to assault you would bankrupt them.

I really hope you guys like it.

-Huntybits

Hunter Collins Goes To Hell hits every streaming platform August 12, 2022 on Comedy Records
comedyrecords.ca

Hunter Collins is a retired bomb defuser who spends his free time huffing white-out behind your apartment.

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Mmm! The best part about egg nog? So noggy!

As the Christmas parties wind down and little baby Jesus’ birthday approaches, you might be left with a few extra cartons of egg nog in your fridge. Instead of pouring all that creamy goodness down the drain (which can be harmful to sewer rats – talk about “eek!”), you can put that nog to work by working your noggin! Getting creative is good way to keep the sad reality of the holidays away. Here are 10 creative ways to use egg nog.

COFFEE OR TEA WITH EGG NOG

A great perk-you-up for lonely times!

Yes! Believe it or not, you can substitute your milk or non-dairy creamer for egg nog. Heck, sometimes I even substitute the coffee itself and just enjoy a big honkin’ glass of egg nog! *gulp* LOL

EGG NOG OATMEAL

Healthy AND fun. Like me! Right? What’s wrong with that?

Oatmeal can be boring. Some people have told me I’M boring (yeah right though, right?). But maybe all a “boring” thing needs is a bit of sweetness added instead of judgement and rejection. You can put warm egg nog in your rolled oats in lieu of water! I’m not boring. Haha

PANCAKES

Stack ’em up like good memories!

If you’re having a rough day remembering the good times you had with your ex-fiancé Carrie before she left you for that maverick cop, maybe the festive taste of egg nog pancakes can put a smile back on your lips. Here’s to hoping. LMAO

MUFFINS

Whoa! Hope I can make these again soon!

That’s right! Why spend mucho bucks on a big chain eatery egg nog-flavoured muffin when you can make these scrumptious baked goods out of ingredients you probably already have in your pantry? That is, of course, unless your ex-fiancé Carrie took the muffin tins on the way out, which she did. Yikes!

ICING

I was the only one who ever made muffins though.

Hey, if you’ve already got the muffins! Why did she take the tins though? Do maverick cops even like muffins? They strike me as too macho for that. But that leftover egg nog can make the perfect addition to a rich cream cheese dessert topping recipe. Now THAT’S the icing on the cake! Not the fact that your ex-fiancé Carrie is already posting new engagement photos on IG when it’s only been like what, 46 days since you split up? How long had this been going on?

ICE CREAM

This ice cream can’t hurt me.

While homemade egg nog ice cream is cold and devoid of conscience, it would never leave you for a maverick cop and write an email to your employer that details -what you thought- were private conversations about all the derisive nicknames you have for your boss.

EGG NOG PIE

If you think about it, SHE’S the one with the problem. Not me.

The thing about your ex-fiancé Carrie dating a maverick cop now is that it makes it difficult to contact her regarding important legal documents of yours she took (probably without knowing it – she just packed up the whole filing cabinet thingie without a second thought), because he knows the law and can make a restraining order happen just like that. He has friends at the municipal court and everything. Egg Nog Pie.

MILKSHAKE

Egg nog milkshakes bring summer fun to wintertime!

Don’t blow up the police station. Your ex-fiancé Carrie doesn’t even work there. It seems like you’re focusing on the wrong person here, man. Regroup and make an egg nog milkshake!

YOU HAVE TO PUT YOUR OWN MENTAL HEALTH FIRST

Taoism says you should focus on what you can control.

Look, it’s not even like you want her back. You just need answers. I understand. “How long had she been making love to this maverick cop? Was it ever in our bed? Was what we had ever even real? Show me a picture of a maverick cop eating muffins and I’ll let the whole tin thing go?” You keep thinking it’s good idea to show up at her gym to ask these questions. But that’s just a good way to get kicked down the stairs by a maverick cop again. The questions you need to ask must come from a place of personal accountability. “How can I be happy? How do I learn to love myself and be comfortable BY myself? Is burning a single photograph of her in the fireplace while listening to her favourite song every night helping anything? Can I just purchase another muffin tin that isn’t associated with the best years of my life that turned out to be an era of profound betrayal?” I think she hid the remote for the TV, which is especially cruel considering that I was only ever kind to her. Try it in mashed sweet potatoes. I don’t know. My heart isn’t really in this anymore.

BIG OL’ BATHTUB FULL OF EGG NOG

I will find love again.

Why not? Pour that goop into the tuberooni and jump in with all your clothes on! It’s not like anyone’s gonna come home and give you guff for doing something zany. See? I can be fun, Carrie! Oh, you got engagement photos taken in a meadow? Wow, never seen THAT before. Is that a dilapidated barn in the background? Me oh my! And I’M the square just ‘cause I refused to let you peg me.

Hunter Collins is a disgraced botanist who lives in an abandoned mop factory. twitter.com/hunter_collins

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You may have heard that legendary unabashed fictional psychopath Michael Myers is being dragged on Twitter over accusations of homophobia. Sorry, “h*moph*bia”. But Michael Myers isn’t the only horror icon guilty of micro aggressions (like stabbing, maiming, decapitating…) and problematic behaviour (like disembowelling, draining of blood, shoving knives into eyes…). Believe it or not, some other scary flick baddies (not real people, by the way) have hurt the marginalized in the past, therefore we must end them. And if you know anything about me, you know I love to self-aggrandize by capitalizing on the pain of groups I don’t belong to.

In the recent film Halloween Kills, Michael Myers (who isn’t real) breaks into his old home (a fake home you won’t find on Google Maps) where a gay male *White couple* (which actually only sounds half-problematic right there) resides. Were the gay characters charismatic, funny, and three-dimensional? Sure. But then why wasn’t the movie called Two Nice Gay Men Live in a House? Better title. More progress. Perhaps most homophobically of all, Michael murders the couple by mouth-fucking a hole through the back of their heads with a sharpened rainbow-coloured dildo, writing “gay is bad” on the wall with their blood, pointing to a blood donor form and shaking his head ‘no’, then doing a mocking limp-wristed jig while uttering the first words he’s ever uttered in any Halloween movie: “I guess it doesn’t get better.”

I have seen the movie and don’t remember this scene, but judging by the volume of accusatory tweets, this must be what happened.

Your job as a moviegoer is to try your darnedest to not enjoy the movie. The same way silence = violence, feeling happy = you are crappy. Felt joy = hello, bad boy. Thought it was a whirl = hey you’re a stupid girl. Believe it was more fun than a winery = get a clue, non-binary. Instead of watching your richest childhood fantasies play out on a giant screen, in 3D, in a moving seat (all of which you had nothing to do with bringing to life) and loving 99.999% of it, keep your eyes peeled for that 0.001% that makes you want to tweet until your fingers turn to powder. I, for one, come from the school of “the one burnt corn nibblet ruins the entire casserole”.

Here is a list of murderous horror icons we need to cancel for murdering people.

FREDDY KRUGER IS ANTI-BLM

In Nightmare On Elm Street 3, one of the Dream Warriors named Kincaid, an African-American man, survives the film, shattering the trope of the Black man dying first in horror movies. In Nightmare on Elm Street 4 he immediately dies first. The evidence is stacking up that Freddy hates the people who gave us jazz, Super-Soakers and Michael Vick. It’s only logical to surmise that with his little Milli Vanilli hat and those long nails, the only thing stopping Freddy from doing full-on blackface is the fact that his face was burnt off.

How we fix this:
Make Freddy Kruger do that sandwich board thing from Die Hard 3.

GREMLINS ARE ABLEIST

Sometimes gremlins do feed after midnight. Only this time, the meal was the pain an old lady endured thanks to her shitty legs. In the 1985 horror/Christma- festive non-denominational holiday celebration festive season of the winter festive solstice film Gremlins, this disabled old bird is trying to get up her stairs in a… I dunno what they’re called – motorized escalator seat? But then some privileged Gremlin hot-wires the control panel (likely possessing an ivy league engineering degree Laurie Laughlin bribed into existence) and makes the chair zoom mega fast and the old hag gets blasted out of a window. And guess what – she doesn’t land in her favourite seat for 3PM dinner at Denny’s. She’s deader than laughing at Family Guy.

How we fix this:
Cancel gremlins. And stop whitewashing them. #FilipinoGremlins.

THE TV FROM POLTERGEIST IS PREJUDICED

Why would the TV from Poltergeist only eat little blonde White girls? Think of all the promising young kids from other parts of the globe who would love to be eaten by a TV! Oh what? Worried a Cambodian child would get trapped in your circuits and carry out some cliche I’m unaware of because I’m a stranger to their culture? Scared that an Indian boy with experience working in his parents’ electronics store that still sells blank VHS tapes would mock your subpar sound, effectively carrying out the stereotype of making fun of your stereo type? Afraid a little Hasidic Jewish boy would point and ask questions about every part of the TV because they aren’t allowed outside until they’re old enough to marry? Get real, you bigoted-ass TV!

How we fix this:
Create programs in traditionally un-eaten by TV communities where we create more opportunity to be devoured by TVs.

JASON VOORHEES’ MOM VS KEVIN BACON

No! In the original Friday the 13th, Pamela Voohrees hides under Kevin Bacon’s bed and stabs dumb fuckin’ shithead Kevin Bacon in the neck! Don’t kill Kevin Bacon! He’s a dumb fuckin’ shit! Fucking guy can’t even outrun a Tremor worm and Pamela Voorhees just goes and jabs an arrowhead (appropriation) through shithead fuckface Bacon’s throat?! You can’t go around murdering little fucky dum-dums! Dumb shit fucks like Kevin Bacon must be protected! Poor dumb-ass shitty fucker Kevin Bacon.

How we fix this:
The actor who played Pamela Voorhees, Betsy Palmer, died six years ago. A noble grave-toppling, anyone?

THE GAY GUYS FROM “HALLOWEEN KILLS” HATE CHILDREN

YES. The very same gay couple I defended earlier. In a scene from notorious homophobic manifesto Halloween Kills, these two wretches tell tiny little trick-or-treaters that Michael Myers is coming for them and that they’re gonna die. They even swear at them and swearing leads to heroin. Oh what, hurling lewd death threats at children is okay? I don’t care if you suck a million penises and fuck five hundred thousand butts daily – no amount of being gay will forgive the verbal assault of our future. Throw in some ski-poling and reach-arounds and we’ll talk.

How we fix this:
Maybe in the next Halloween movie, a gay couple kindly makes out with the children instead?

Hunter Collins is a deceased arborist who lives in your ducts.

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Buncha geeks who wouldn’t know a laugh if it farted on their puke!

Québécois comedian Mike Ward has taken some heel turns that I can’t condone, but none of what an artist says should be punishable by the government. His case for performing jokes (reiterating: jokes) about a differently abled kid was just made before the Supreme Court of Canada.

I truly feel like it’s fair if the vilest joke one can make results in losing fans, friends, sponsorships, jobs, etc, but it CANNOT get you fined or imprisoned. I’m an absolutist on that. A lot of people feel like that standpoint is gauche or even alt-right, but freedom of expression is not the same as freedom from consequence – the latter of which must exclude consequences from the law or government. Sure, Mike Ward picks on a differently abled kid; maybe he doesn’t get to do any KFC ads. Maybe people won’t buy a ticket to his next show. But the utter daftness of thinking that Mike Ward wants to harm, or see harm come to that kid is astounding. That kind of daftness has to be intentional. Some people must be so horny for daftness that they avert their eyes from one simple truth: upholding freedom of expression when it comes to jokes of bad taste is just as meaningful to your wack little simpleton musings that bore everyone including yourself:

“Maybe WE should build a wall to keep TRUMP out!” -You, who should quit comedy

“People are afraid of what’s in the vaccine but they eat Cheese Whiz and Pop Tarts!” -You again, not being sued by me for ‘grand theft of everyone’s time’

It is sad that people who saw Mike Ward’s bit harassed the kid, but Mike Ward isn’t responsible for the actions of every twit animal who grossly manufactures a call to action over it (why aren’t THEY dangled in front of the Supreme Court like a morsel of sardine for the self-righteous gullets of “justice”, huh?). This is a comedian – not a politician. This isn’t like Trump and the insurrection. It’s art. And you simply can’t/mustn’t contain art because it’s all held together by this keystone that is freedom of expression.

Here are some jokes about differently abled children. Sue me.

DEAF DANNY & THE DIFFERENTLY ABLED:

I and other comedians were quoted on a Vice piece a few years ago about Mike Ward’s Human Rights Tribunal case and I said the following:

“We have a history of rare physical conditions in our family. I have vitiligo and my brother has gigantism in his left side. When kids would harass us about the way we looked and try to make our lives shit, we stuck up for each other, along with our friends and family. We were taught by our parents that the world can be volatile and taught how to handle it with love, wit, strength and self esteem. My brother turned out to be a strong, capable man who has meaningful relationships with wonderful people; he sticks up for himself more than anyone I know, and defends the underdog with the same passion. We need people like my brother – we don’t need “feelings court.”

What really cracks me up is the way this bit has been distorted by the Anglophone media. A lot of what’s being written paints the bit out as this ruthless, continued attack on Le Petit Jérémy—but Mike only takes like 14 seconds at the end of a 2.5-minute bit to say he tried to drown the kid without success and that he’s ugly. I know that sounds callous, but it was the comedic equivalent of tearing off a band-aid after a long rant. Sometimes a lot of the value of a joke is just in the audacity it takes to say it. The wit might not be there, but some comedians are satisfied with gasps as much as laughs. That’s the risk you take in playing that card—you alienate people. But comedy isn’t about walking on steady ground all the time. It’s about stepping on the cracks and digging your toes in the earth and seeing what kinda bugs, tubers, shit and gold are in there. It’s fine if that’s not your brand, but there’s all sorts of comedy for everybody out there. You know? Some people play a harp and some people bang on a bucket with a filthy doll’s head.

Some of the critics of Mike’s bit call it “bullying,” but to me the bullies are the parents of Le Petit Jérémy. It’s such a transparent cash grab on his parents’ part. On top of the fine to Mike, ten thousand dollars for “moral” damages? You know how rich I’d be if I sued everybody who damaged my morals? I’d be living on some crazy-ass party plane that never lands and gets perpetually refilled mid-air. “Moral Damage?” The Miami Dolphins damage my morals every year. I still wear the jersey.

Some comics might not be on Mike’s side here, but I know that if they were somehow to get caught in a mess like this over some bullshit they were just trying to get a laugh with, Mike would be the first to rush to their defense. Maybe a few more of these cases need to swing this way so we can get some traction on restructuring the language of these laws, which clearly needs to happen. ‘Cause Personally, I’d never make fun of some kid with goblin-face disease, but I think I should be allowed to.”

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SOLD OUT! – Hunter Collins Replica Rubber Mouth w/Head

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It’s the week of Halloween and everyone is asking me for scary movie recommendations. Something about me just screams “this guy knows where to find things that will make me sick and afraid” (maybe it’s the vomit chunks on my unholstered gun). So I thought I’d make a list. Here are 10 actually scary horror movies you may have never seen that you can stream tonight.

The picks below aren’t for chicken-shit pants-shitting shit-birds. I will lay this out so you can gauge what my fear threshold is: Alien is not a horror movie; Get Out was a fine film but not scary whatsoever; and The Babadook sucks. If you want to watch a mother barely hold back from bashing her kid’s head in while some creepy prick with poor fashion sense looks on with glee, take me to Great Wolf Lodge. The films included here made me want to lock my doors, check under my bed and load the shotgun I keep under my machete rack.

Although they are marvellous and effective fright films, you won’t find titles like The Conjuring or Hereditary on this list. These are slightly deeper cuts, and they cut hard. In fact, they cut like a gun that shoots knives (which I also own – it’s called a “gknife”).

Last thing before I list these flicks: if you love horror, do yourself a solid and sign up for Shudder. It’s 60 bucks for the year and they keep pumping out more content than you could shake a monkey’s paw at. Also when the pandemic ends, come see my live horror/comedy show at Comedy Bar in Toronto called Guts For Laughs. Follow us on Twitter and IG at @GutsForLaughs. Do it, or else. Keep in mind I own firearms and this website tracks your home address. Here we go:

The Witch In The Window (Shudder)

Tiny cast. Hack first few minutes. A screw-up dad is trying to regain the love of his family by fixing up a haunted-ish house you know there’s gonna be a witch of sorts inside of. But it takes a mind-bending turn, packs some wicked jumps and pulls the rug out from under you with several switcheroos before it’s all over. Plus, If you’re Shudder and chilling, this movie is 70 minutes in & out, so you can swiftly get to the part where you say, “Hey, did you know there’s also a witch in the window of my zipper? Check it out…” and get to gettin’ fresh. That line works for everyone regardless of your sexual orientation.

Special distinction: only movie I’ve ever seen that has an honest to cripes Magic Eye painting scare.

Terrified (Shudder)

Not to be confused with Netflix’s shameless gore-porn horror “Terrifier” starring a clown with teeth like the inside of a Crunchie bar. This Argentinian offering presents three subsequent stories that tie together. Three neighbours are experiencing some paranormal bull-shit: I can’t write about the first guy without spoiling it, but it’s one of the most memorable horror scenes I’ve ever watched because it goes on for so long and you are forced to sit in the horror of it and watch powerless as evil runs amok. Like the presidency. Second one is about a guy who sets up a camera after his furniture keeps moving around in the night and the last one is about a dead kid. And yeah: they show you the dead kid. And it ain’t just some child actor with corn syrup on his forehead. This is South America. They might have used a real dead kid. But it’s important to note this isn’t a true anthology like Creepshow. The driving throughline about investigators trying figure out what in the horny Christ is happening in this ‘hood flows smoothly in and around the intertwined tales.

Special distinction: the way director Demian Rugna frames his scares often mimics the viewpoint of a natural human eyeline, producing a stripped-down air of realism that leaves you feeling like this is what it would actually look like if your life got absolutely FARKED by malevolent forces.

Belzebuth (Shudder)

Don’t get turned off by the poster! Although it depicts a creepy baby carriage, this isn’t one of those movies that shovels out the ol’ convention where a woman is pregnant with a baby but the baby is also pregnant with a demon or some shit. It’s actually an ambitious, $3.6M Mexican production that in its essence is a possession whodunnit, where a skeptical cop is trying to track down the demon who killed his child. It alternates between Spanish and English and boasts a tasteful CGI evil Jesus scene. The film kicks off with a scene so despicable, it feels like a joke a racist cabbie told you at an off-track betting bar in Cincinnati. This isn’t much of a jumpy one, but it is profoundly disturbing. Think Sinister on crank and tequila.

Special distinction: Probably the highest and most unforgiving infanticide rate of any movie I’ve seen.

The Autopsy of Jane Doe (Shudder)

This film is contained to a small rural coroner’s office but it tells such a huge story. A father and son coroner duo cut into this lady and hoo-boy! Her insides are more fucked-up than the shelves at K-Mart on Boxing Day! The journey through the autopsy generates so many questions about how this woman died and even though she’s dead, you start getting the impression she doesn’t want to get autopsied ‘cause some next shit starts going down with the other corpses in this spooky-ass old coroner building. Quality jumps throughout this one too.

Special distinction: expertly frightening despite having a main antagonist who is completely inanimate.

Dead Birds (Prime, Shudder)

Another poster that makes the movie look like it cost 38 bucks and whole lotta favors to make. I swear, there’s a scene at the beginning where a guy sees a dead bird and goes, “Huh, there’s a dead bird,” and then they don’t mention birds, dead or otherwise, for the rest of the movie. Dead bird content dearth aside, this is an unconventional film that places a group of Civil War era bank robbers on a farm overnight while on their way to Mexico with a big sack of stolen gold. But this farm makes Robert Pickton’s look like Baskin-Robbins! There’s gross critters and other evils abound that start picking these stinky cowpokes off one-by-one. And what a cast of stinky cowpokes they are! Every minute a different big name pops up, including Michael Shannon, the fat beardy guy from 30 Days of Night, Elliott from E.T. and Isaiah Washington. This is probably the least scary movie on the list, but there’s so much originality and genre-bending to this creature feature paranormal haunted house western, that I thought it belonged.

Special distinction: a young Michael Shannon throwing around racial slurs. Yup – that one. Washington was able to keep the slurs to himself this time, however.

Veronica (Netflix)

Spanish director Paco Plaza, who also made the REC series, peddled this out in 2017. It’s rife with heavy-handed allegory about the coming of age of womyn (the fyuture is fymale), but in the horror world, I’m like, what isn’t, dude? Technically Godzilla is a girl’s coming of age tale when you consider that Godzilla’s mouth-lasers are a metaphor for menstruation. Zappy, blasty menstruation. In this film, a teenager in a working class neighborhood has to take care of her younger siblings, but this foolish, stupid, naive, female, lady girl puts her dumb double-X chromosome’d hands on a Ouija board DURING an eclipse! You put your whole family in danger by opening a demonic eclipse portal, you idiotic womb-haver! But el patriarcado aside, this movie is loaded with jumps and taut tension and even though it’s about a teen, it doesn’t strictly cater to a younger audience the way Slender Man or Ma did. There’s a nun with milky eyes, shadowperson apparitions galore, and it features the “creepy naked man scare” a full year before Hereditary did it, and a full two years before my dad did it at a local figure skating meet and we never saw him again.

Special distinction: based on a true story where a Spanish girl mysteriously died in the 90s after using a Ouija board. Second leading cause of death in Spain after pronouncing your Zs like a t-h to death.

Channel Zero (Shudder)

This is a TV show where each season of six episodes is based on a different creepypasta. Episodes are 45 minutes long, which is so little to commit to. But the reason I recommend this show is that it’s light enough that you can watch it during the day and the stories are so loose and ethereal that you can have it on in the background while you I dunno – make soup or harass former lovers over the phone. The seasons are hit and miss (season one revolves around a little boy made of human teeth who eats teeth and there we go, I got fed up just typing that), but the fourth and latest season is about a woman (Miss Denmark 2008 Maria Sten) who descends into madness after rediscovering her homicidal imaginary friend, the latter of which is portrayed by a stupendously talented contortionist. There are loads of practical gore effects that’ll make you turn away and at one point they barely explicably shimmy in an army of little people dressed as crayons.

Special distinction: It’s all shot in Canada and it looks like it isn’t.

Man, I hate Tooth-Boy.

The Possession of Hannah Grace (Crave)

I was super skeptical of a “The Possession Of” movie and maybe my low expectations are what led me to enjoy this so much. In this story about a disgraced police officer (ACAB) who becomes a security guard (ASGAB) at a morgue, a stiff is dropped off that somehow, instead of just sitting there, appears to get healthier. You can imagine where this leads (they fuck – JK), but the lighting and the sound design seamlessly team up to drive a multi-sensory screwdriver into your nervous system. The creeps take their sweet-ass time and this polished production is all-in-all jumpier than bullfrogs on a griddle.

Special distinction: maybe the only film whose title starts with “The Possession/Haunting of” that is legitimately frightening.

POD (Prime, Shudder)

The key to this 2015 gem is that instead of having the terror stem from a guy in a monster suit, it comes from the unravelling mind of a schizophrenic man trying to convince his brother that he has a captured alien in his basement. The performance of this mentally unstable dude is so convincing, you can picture him asking a cashier at Taco Bell for the nuke codes. The film does an admirable job of keeping you guessing whether there’s a basement alien or not. Pod is a testament to how solid a film you can make with a wee budget, as long as you have a sturdy premise and some decent actors. Plus it’s only 76 minutes! So if you’re Shudder and chilling, it won’t be long before you can be like, “Hey did you know I also have a ‘pod’ behind this zipper?”

Special distinction: It’s got to be challenging to pull off an alien horror movie that’s actually scary, because aliens are inherently jovial visitors who just want to meet your leader and give you a hearty bumming.

Garden State (in the garbage somewhere hopefully)

It is absolutely beyond horrifying that someone gave money to Zach Braff for a script that’s just a bunch of people going “aren’t I weird?” for an hour and a half.

Special distinction: none. This movie is is pure bowel cancer for your heart, mind and eyes.

Hunter Collins is an industry pariah who makes his home in a nest of soiled egg cartons in Toronto’s toxic waste district.
Twitter: @hunter_collins | Instagram: @huntercomedy

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Fine! We’ll change the team name but now there’s NO name for ANYBODY!

The NFL’s 101st season kicks off today and Washington finally got rid of the Redskins name and logo. Luckily for the league, that’s their only ongoing controversy, so after the national anthem, the players can get up off their knees and get back to smashing their brains into miso paste until they murder all their loved ones. Nevertheless, Washington’s abandonment of the racist effigy is an increasingly common sign of positive change. A while back, The MLB’s Cleveland Indians got rid of Chief Waygu, I’m guessing ‘cause he looked NOTHING like a massaged Japanese cow. Here in Canada’s CFL, Edmonton’s seen its last Eskimo. But let me be the first one brave enough to say: that’s just the tip of the hate-berg (I almost went with “not n’iceberg”).

On the surface, there may only appear to be a handful of problematic franchise names and logos in pro sports, but I knew that if I looked hard enough, I could force myself to see a bunch more that would get my gender-neutral undergarments in a knot. Here’s a look at the most offensive team names and logos from all four major sports.

TW: all of them

HOCKEY:
-Shawinigan Cataractes (QMJHL)

Quebec is always 40 years behind.

This is beyond indecent. As a tanning bed addict (disorder #486 in the DSM5), I take mondo offense considering how at-risk I am of contracting cataracts – and my disease is NOT a costume. To rub it in, they gave this wacky guy a fancy colorful headdress knowing full well how hard it is for cataract sufferers to take in that breadth of hues. They should’ve had a little powwow to come up with something more sensitive.

-Eerie Otters (OHL)

They “otter” change this logo ASAP.

The otter looks a bit Chinese. I obviously don’t think that’s a bad thing – I just don’t trust them to have done it for the right reasons. According to this guy Fred I met at a skin tag convention in Eerie, PA, the town’s “only got maybe five Chinese”. So why the Chinese otter? Probably safer to just dismantle the team, sell off all their gear and donate the proceeds to Falun Gong. Not sure if Falun Gong is good or bad, but I think they dance a lot, and if you hate dancing you’re a dancist and I’ll have you doxxed.


-Albany River Rats (AHL)

Literally the best resolution available.

“River rat” is a heinous slur for Mexicans.

-Rockford Ice Hogs (AHL)

Someone contact Pumba and notify him of the copyright infringement.

“Ice hog” is a heinous slur for ugly women from the Yukon.

-The Tacoma Ice River Whoores (NCAA)

That W.A.P. is gonna get icicles.

Though part of me admires the old-timey spelling, we have to acknowledge that sex work is real work and that the only acceptable moniker for this team is “The Tacoma Ice River Sex Workers”. Man, that whoore is hot though.

FOOTBALL:
-Kansas City Chiefs (NFL)

For years I thought this was the fried chicken joint logo.

Firefighters’ bosses have enough to worry about already. Change the name or I’m boycotting fire.

-Dallas Cowboys (NFL)

Two of my favorite words: “cowb” and “oys”.

Being a half cow/half boy is a horrific mutation I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy (the little boy from the movie “Room”). Frankly, I’d rather be an ice hog.


-New York Giants (NFL)

The preferred NYC NFL franchise of diabetic cabbies.

Oh you think it’s *COOL* to name your team after these scary freaks who bump their heads on the top of every door frame and walk around like Frankenstein in their specially tailored monster pants to meet their date they met on some website for humongous abominations like them and then they all die before 50 ‘cause their hearts are so enlarged? Only in New York!


-New York Jets (NFL)

$50 if you can spot all the footballs!

A whole team named after John Travolta’s tragically deceased son Jet? Real classy. NOT! Only in New York!

-The Tacoma Dumb Polacks (Pacific Trucker League)

Yikes.

Another heinous slur, albeit for White people, so it doesn’t really count. Still, it’s a little on the nose. Granted, that nose is pretty bulbous and hard to miss.

BASEBALL:
-Oakland A’s (MLB)

The TM stands for “to-mouth”.

Literally discriminatory towards 25 of the alphabet’s 26 letters. Personally, I believe there are more than 26 letters in our alphabet, including @, # and &. I don’t know what the non-binary equivalent of this stance is, so I’ll just go out on a limb (is that ableist?) and say I believe in non-twentysixinary spelling.


-Atlanta Braves (MLB)

Fun to pronounce the way you would “Chaves”.

How DARE they… name a team… after a COLOSSAL DUMP like Atlanta? That place is like Houston with twice the piss and half the vocabulary.


-Tampa Rays (MLB)

I guess the .com was taken.

Every guy named Ray is an asshole. They always shave their sideburns too short, eat bananas as loudly as possible, and had sex with my mom when I was in high school.


-Miami Marlins (MLB)

Those aren’t baseball laces. It’s toxins leeching from the fish’s swim bladder.

Congratulations! You just named your team after the worst Wayans brother. And it’s pretty hard to top Shawn!


-The Tacoma DVD Copies Of 2004 Box Office Calamity Garden State (Northwestern Baseball Association For Dorks)

Marginally worse than the Tacoma Ghost Worlds.

Forcedly quirky. Laboredly devoid of substance. Absolutely disgusting. I’m less offended by Chief Waygu.

BASKETBALL:
-Boston Celtics (NBA)

Get a loada the curve on that gunt!

This is a completely inaccurate depiction of an Irishman! No ranga-orange hair. No barf stains on his little prick bow tie. No sign of a “mudder” he deeply resents. No cuts on his knuckles from “having tried to tell Sheilagh twice”. The palsy in the eye checks out, but the loser in this logo must be a goddamn dirty protestant!


-Denver Nuggets (NBA)

Didn’t their old logo look like a game of Q*bert?

Call me old fashioned, but I don’t think you should name a team that predominantly employs Black athletes the N-blank-double-G anything.


-Xinjiang Flying Tigers (CBA)

Half this league’s teams are named after tigers.

You shouldn’t give fans the false hope of seeing a tiger fly one day. “Flying” tigers? What’s next? “Skateboarding” trout? A “female” president? Get real or GTFO.


-Washington Wizards (NBA)

Least wizardy logo ever.

Patriarchy.

-Sacramento Kings (NBA)

Purple Bart Simpson.

Patriarchy.


-Houston Rockets (NBA)

Oh I get it: the basketball is the WORLD.

Rockets are made by brilliant scientists (ableist – check!) who went to Ivy League colleges (classist – check!) and they look like huge dongs with flames coming out the ball area (patriarchy – check!).


-Utah Jizz (NBA)

Name rolls off the tongue (going the other way).

Patriarchy.


-The Tacoma Maybe We Shouldn’t Let The Mentally Challenged Breed (West Coast Eugenics League)

There’s something very wrong with Tacoma.

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Yo eyeballs – over here!

Summer is here and the best way to get back at that bastard sun for making your skin welt and your taint melt is to pick up some merch so hot it burns the sizzling gas-bag back!

The Hunter Collins summer collection of T-shirts and tank tops features a graphic based on his trademark bit about the best line in movie history. That distinction belongs to a henchman who screams “POINT [YOUR] TITTIES NORTH AND STEP ON THE GAS!” in the Jean-Claude Van Damme masterpiece Hard Target“.

Unisex T-shirts ($25 + shipping) are available in three different colors: “Monkey Booger Green”, “Cheeto Finger Heathered Orange”, and “Steer Tuchus Black” (also featured in a women’s cut). The shirts are Gildan Softstyle tees and they make you feel like you’re breastfeeding god herself.

Unisex tank tops ($30 + shipping) come in two colors: “Fancy Meth Blue” and “Dead Racing Dog Heathered Grey”. The tanks are elite quality Bella + Canvas jersey tank tops, ideal for any gender and they’re so soft they make Mumford & Sons look like Suge Knight.

Hit the merch tab at the top of the page or click the picture below to check out the store!

Hunter Collins summer t-shirt and tank top collection – so color!