Greetings, sinners and fun-loving degenerates! Thanks for stumbling here. I thought it would be welcoming to present you with a few of my new stand-up clips ahead of the The Two-Headed Monster Comedy Tour’s Ontario leg with my bosom buddy Nick Beaton. You can find tickets to our shows by clicking here.

My hope is that these stand-up clips fill you with joy and irresistible consumerist urges to come see us live in the flesh (and sometimes in the partially pantsless) at a venue near you.

MADONNA’S PLASTIC SURGERY FACE

MOVIE THEATRE HOT-DOG

FAKE TANS

For tickets to The Two-Headed Monster Comedy Tour, click here!

Well, I’m back in Canada and despite the fact that broccoli costs $95 per bunch, it’s great to be performing for canuckleheads again. I’ve got an extensive cross-country tour kicking off this week at the Cape Breton Comedy Festival. There are links to tickets here for The Two Headed-Monster Comedy Tour with my best pal Nick Beaton. Shows across The Maritimes and Ontario are listed, with more Central and Western Canadian shows coming in the winter and spring. Canada is my personal subway pole and I don’t just dab my tongue here and there – I lick the whoooooole thing.

There’s also new Hunter Collins merch available for order here. New fuchsia and blue T-shirts, perfect for gender reveal parties, I guess, if announcing your baby’s gender via T-shirt smut is your speed.

And since we’re talking new shows and new merch, for good measure, here’s a dose of nu metal!

You may have heard that legendary unabashed fictional psychopath Michael Myers is being dragged on Twitter over accusations of homophobia. Sorry, “h*moph*bia”. But Michael Myers isn’t the only horror icon guilty of micro aggressions (like stabbing, maiming, decapitating…) and problematic behaviour (like disembowelling, draining of blood, shoving knives into eyes…). Believe it or not, some other scary flick baddies (not real people, by the way) have hurt the marginalized in the past, therefore we must end them. And if you know anything about me, you know I love to self-aggrandize by capitalizing on the pain of groups I don’t belong to.

In the recent film Halloween Kills, Michael Myers (who isn’t real) breaks into his old home (a fake home you won’t find on Google Maps) where a gay male *White couple* (which actually only sounds half-problematic right there) resides. Were the gay characters charismatic, funny, and three-dimensional? Sure. But then why wasn’t the movie called Two Nice Gay Men Live in a House? Better title. More progress. Perhaps most homophobically of all, Michael murders the couple by mouth-fucking a hole through the back of their heads with a sharpened rainbow-coloured dildo, writing “gay is bad” on the wall with their blood, pointing to a blood donor form and shaking his head ‘no’, then doing a mocking limp-wristed jig while uttering the first words he’s ever uttered in any Halloween movie: “I guess it doesn’t get better.”

I have seen the movie and don’t remember this scene, but judging by the volume of accusatory tweets, this must be what happened.

Your job as a moviegoer is to try your darnedest to not enjoy the movie. The same way silence = violence, feeling happy = you are crappy. Felt joy = hello, bad boy. Thought it was a whirl = hey you’re a stupid girl. Believe it was more fun than a winery = get a clue, non-binary. Instead of watching your richest childhood fantasies play out on a giant screen, in 3D, in a moving seat (all of which you had nothing to do with bringing to life) and loving 99.999% of it, keep your eyes peeled for that 0.001% that makes you want to tweet until your fingers turn to powder. I, for one, come from the school of “the one burnt corn nibblet ruins the entire casserole”.

Here is a list of murderous horror icons we need to cancel for murdering people.

FREDDY KRUGER IS ANTI-BLM

In Nightmare On Elm Street 3, one of the Dream Warriors named Kincaid, an African-American man, survives the film, shattering the trope of the Black man dying first in horror movies. In Nightmare on Elm Street 4 he immediately dies first. The evidence is stacking up that Freddy hates the people who gave us jazz, Super-Soakers and Michael Vick. It’s only logical to surmise that with his little Milli Vanilli hat and those long nails, the only thing stopping Freddy from doing full-on blackface is the fact that his face was burnt off.

How we fix this:
Make Freddy Kruger do that sandwich board thing from Die Hard 3.

GREMLINS ARE ABLEIST

Sometimes gremlins do feed after midnight. Only this time, the meal was the pain an old lady endured thanks to her shitty legs. In the 1985 horror/Christma- festive non-denominational holiday celebration festive season of the winter festive solstice film Gremlins, this disabled old bird is trying to get up her stairs in a… I dunno what they’re called – motorized escalator seat? But then some privileged Gremlin hot-wires the control panel (likely possessing an ivy league engineering degree Laurie Laughlin bribed into existence) and makes the chair zoom mega fast and the old hag gets blasted out of a window. And guess what – she doesn’t land in her favourite seat for 3PM dinner at Denny’s. She’s deader than laughing at Family Guy.

How we fix this:
Cancel gremlins. And stop whitewashing them. #FilipinoGremlins.

THE TV FROM POLTERGEIST IS PREJUDICED

Why would the TV from Poltergeist only eat little blonde White girls? Think of all the promising young kids from other parts of the globe who would love to be eaten by a TV! Oh what? Worried a Cambodian child would get trapped in your circuits and carry out some cliche I’m unaware of because I’m a stranger to their culture? Scared that an Indian boy with experience working in his parents’ electronics store that still sells blank VHS tapes would mock your subpar sound, effectively carrying out the stereotype of making fun of your stereo type? Afraid a little Hasidic Jewish boy would point and ask questions about every part of the TV because they aren’t allowed outside until they’re old enough to marry? Get real, you bigoted-ass TV!

How we fix this:
Create programs in traditionally un-eaten by TV communities where we create more opportunity to be devoured by TVs.

JASON VOORHEES’ MOM VS KEVIN BACON

No! In the original Friday the 13th, Pamela Voohrees hides under Kevin Bacon’s bed and stabs dumb fuckin’ shithead Kevin Bacon in the neck! Don’t kill Kevin Bacon! He’s a dumb fuckin’ shit! Fucking guy can’t even outrun a Tremor worm and Pamela Voorhees just goes and jabs an arrowhead (appropriation) through shithead fuckface Bacon’s throat?! You can’t go around murdering little fucky dum-dums! Dumb shit fucks like Kevin Bacon must be protected! Poor dumb-ass shitty fucker Kevin Bacon.

How we fix this:
The actor who played Pamela Voorhees, Betsy Palmer, died six years ago. A noble grave-toppling, anyone?

THE GAY GUYS FROM “HALLOWEEN KILLS” HATE CHILDREN

YES. The very same gay couple I defended earlier. In a scene from notorious homophobic manifesto Halloween Kills, these two wretches tell tiny little trick-or-treaters that Michael Myers is coming for them and that they’re gonna die. They even swear at them and swearing leads to heroin. Oh what, hurling lewd death threats at children is okay? I don’t care if you suck a million penises and fuck five hundred thousand butts daily – no amount of being gay will forgive the verbal assault of our future. Throw in some ski-poling and reach-arounds and we’ll talk.

How we fix this:
Maybe in the next Halloween movie, a gay couple kindly makes out with the children instead?

Hunter Collins is a deceased arborist who lives in your ducts.

Québécois comedian Mike Ward has taken some heel turns that I can’t condone, but none of what an artist says should be punishable by the government. His case for performing jokes (reiterating: jokes) about a differently abled kid was just made before the Supreme Court of Canada.

I truly feel like it’s fair if the vilest joke one can make results in losing fans, friends, sponsorships, jobs, etc, but it CANNOT get you fined or imprisoned. I’m an absolutist on that. A lot of people feel like that standpoint is gauche or even alt-right, but freedom of expression is not the same as freedom from consequence – the latter of which must exclude consequences from the law or government. Sure, Mike Ward picks on a differently abled kid; maybe he doesn’t get to do any KFC ads. Maybe people won’t buy a ticket to his next show. But the utter daftness of thinking that Mike Ward wants to harm, or see harm come to that kid is astounding. That kind of daftness has to be intentional. Some people must be so horny for daftness that they avert their eyes from one simple truth: upholding freedom of expression when it comes to jokes of bad taste is just as meaningful to your wack little simpleton musings that bore everyone including yourself:

“Maybe WE should build a wall to keep TRUMP out!” -You, who should quit comedy

“People are afraid of what’s in the vaccine but they eat Cheese Whiz and Pop Tarts!” -You again, not being sued by me for ‘grand theft of everyone’s time’

It is sad that people who saw Mike Ward’s bit harassed the kid, but Mike Ward isn’t responsible for the actions of every twit animal who grossly manufactures a call to action over it (why aren’t THEY dangled in front of the Supreme Court like a morsel of sardine for the self-righteous gullets of “justice”, huh?). This is a comedian – not a politician. This isn’t like Trump and the insurrection. It’s art. And you simply can’t/mustn’t contain art because it’s all held together by this keystone that is freedom of expression.

Here are some jokes about differently abled children. Sue me.

DEAF DANNY & THE DIFFERENTLY ABLED:

I and other comedians were quoted on a Vice piece a few years ago about Mike Ward’s Human Rights Tribunal case and I said the following:

“We have a history of rare physical conditions in our family. I have vitiligo and my brother has gigantism in his left side. When kids would harass us about the way we looked and try to make our lives shit, we stuck up for each other, along with our friends and family. We were taught by our parents that the world can be volatile and taught how to handle it with love, wit, strength and self esteem. My brother turned out to be a strong, capable man who has meaningful relationships with wonderful people; he sticks up for himself more than anyone I know, and defends the underdog with the same passion. We need people like my brother – we don’t need “feelings court.”

What really cracks me up is the way this bit has been distorted by the Anglophone media. A lot of what’s being written paints the bit out as this ruthless, continued attack on Le Petit Jérémy—but Mike only takes like 14 seconds at the end of a 2.5-minute bit to say he tried to drown the kid without success and that he’s ugly. I know that sounds callous, but it was the comedic equivalent of tearing off a band-aid after a long rant. Sometimes a lot of the value of a joke is just in the audacity it takes to say it. The wit might not be there, but some comedians are satisfied with gasps as much as laughs. That’s the risk you take in playing that card—you alienate people. But comedy isn’t about walking on steady ground all the time. It’s about stepping on the cracks and digging your toes in the earth and seeing what kinda bugs, tubers, shit and gold are in there. It’s fine if that’s not your brand, but there’s all sorts of comedy for everybody out there. You know? Some people play a harp and some people bang on a bucket with a filthy doll’s head.

Some of the critics of Mike’s bit call it “bullying,” but to me the bullies are the parents of Le Petit Jérémy. It’s such a transparent cash grab on his parents’ part. On top of the fine to Mike, ten thousand dollars for “moral” damages? You know how rich I’d be if I sued everybody who damaged my morals? I’d be living on some crazy-ass party plane that never lands and gets perpetually refilled mid-air. “Moral Damage?” The Miami Dolphins damage my morals every year. I still wear the jersey.

Some comics might not be on Mike’s side here, but I know that if they were somehow to get caught in a mess like this over some bullshit they were just trying to get a laugh with, Mike would be the first to rush to their defense. Maybe a few more of these cases need to swing this way so we can get some traction on restructuring the language of these laws, which clearly needs to happen. ‘Cause Personally, I’d never make fun of some kid with goblin-face disease, but I think I should be allowed to.”

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-Plant some flowers in it

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-Use it as a savvy hiding spot for Easter egg hunts!

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