Hunter Collins

In honor of Justin Trudeau’s resignation, I am listing below a selection of public figures I mostly enjoy despite it being fashionable to deride them and I hope it makes you angry.

1. JUSTIN TRUDEAU:

He gave us legal weed and assisted suicide and most of you need both. I’ll go so far as to say that any guy who mocks him for being handsome has gay dreams about their brother. Get ready for nothing to change, Canada! Every day in this country’s still gonna feel like a fuckin’ Tuesday.

2. THE UNABOMBER:

“Bad-ass shades and questionable ways of getting your point across” is my way of life. Plus, who hasn’t wanted to blow up their science teacher at least once?

3. Greta Thunberg

I love this seething barnacle’s moxie. What kinda lout shits on a child environmentalist? She gets mocked for being mad that 90% of the ocean is dead by guys who bawled when 90% of Ghostbusters became chicks. Show me on your Funko Pop where Greta hurt you.

4. DON CHERRY

Sure, he danced around his own bigotry with all the elegance of a club-footed drunk with palsy, but his segments imparted me with enough honor to make a samurai feel like Kevin Spacey.

5. BILL MAHER

Does it annoy me that you could power half the eastern seaboard using his little pseudo-inhales that signal he’s expecting a tawdry applause break? I’m only human. Am I in lockstep with his, or anybody’s views, for that matter? I’d hate to steal your whole thing. At least Maher converses with people he disagrees with instead of doing what you do, which is (and I’m talking to the showbizzers here) banish people who disagree with you from your online life because get this: you think it’s good for your career. Yeah. That’s what you do. Grievance entrepreneurs everywhere…

6. NÜ-METAL

It was there for me when all I had was acne and NHL 2001 on PC and I still hang my laundry to the Queen of the Damned soundtrack.

7. ROB BEBENEK

You don’t know him, but man, he’s awful. Often described as “if a horked dairy loogie was a person”, but he’s still cool with me. Yes, this blathering, French bulldog of a man with dried nori for hamstrings displays a triteness on par with golf idioms, but if I don’t hang out with him, he’ll try to hang out with you, so just say thanks.