Hunter Collins

You’re probably like me: realizing Christmas is right around the corner – so close you could reach it – which makes you think of a reacharound – which then in turn makes you think of what you’d like to do to the sexiest Christmas creatures out there: gremlins. Yes, the notoriously sultry humanoid lizard-monkeys everybody wants to get freaky with have seduced our libidos since 1984. The following list of Top 10 Most Fuckable Gremlins is purely conceptual for one glaring reason: gremlins have no holes. Take note of this flashing gremlin from Gremlins 1 & 2:

You’ll notice you’ll find more genitals on a VHS cover of The Little Mermaid. Yet this scene points to gremlins’ well-documented taste for sexual depravity. It’s also especially baffling considering that a gremlin’s default appearance is nude, so he’s only putting the trench coat on to redundantly reveal his natural state. I’ve got one rule when it comes to my extrasapien escapades: no genitals, no problem. Besides, if I want gremlin balls, I’ll just get its back wet (trust). So let’s break down the Top 10 most fuckable gremlins that you’d want to feed it to after midnight.

10. The Objectively Hot Chick Gremlin. 

She is objectively hot, even by human standards*. Stop denying it. Tally it up:

-big bone-sucker lips (or skin-wallet slurpin’ lips) that could strip the skin off a science teacher’s arm

-the gorgeous green flowing locks of a white girl with only white friends who runs a black authors book club

-Scaly gremlin titties, perfect for an exfoliating motorboat

-Doesn’t look like she’d wear Uggs and jogging pants to the opera, I’ll tell ya that much – more of a “summer dress and rearrange my guts” kinda gal

*Scottish human standards

9. Vegetable Face Gremlin

Look, you sit on THAT face and you’ve already got half your daily recommended intake of fruits and veggies. Talk about tossing a salad!

8. Gizmo

The übergremlin. Admit it: fame is hot, and I’ve got “shacking up with someone who was on my lunchbox growing up” on my fucket list. Plus, he drives.

Important question: Is it more taboo to bang a little furry grem or a big slimy one? While laying pipe to a metamorphosed stage two gremlin is commonly accepted, some feel that sleeping with furry grems is a tad gauche. I contacted noted grematologist Rob Bebenek to ask when it’s okay to start courting these adorable cryptids and he said, “after they pop out of their spawner’s back, just let ‘em dry off for a sec and they’re good to go.” Also please consider that Gizmo is actually the oldest of the gremlins despite looking the youngest, kinda like the Carter brothers (RIP Aaron). He’s even fathered multiple litters of babies. Face it: Gizmo is a DILF! Sure he has the tiny baby voice -famously voiced by insufferable pencil-neck germaphobe Howie Mandel, who wouldn’t suck off a freshly dry-cleaned Gizmo if it got him three more seconds of bombing next to Heidi Klum (more like gremaphobe)- but Gizmo is ready to jizz mo’ because he’s all man.

7. Electric Gremlin

If you’re afraid of getting intimate with electricity, what do you think’s coursing through your dildo there, Nancy? Mr. Pibb?

6. Googley Eyeball Gremlin

Gooning is in.

5. Ben Shapiro

I’d like to pump his gremlinny little wet-ass P-word with a “new batch” of hot C-U-M-word.

4. George the Gremlin

GEORGE stands for “Gawd, Everybody Oughtta Ride George’s Erection”. Yes, the second G in George stands for “George”. I mean come on: the dark, mysterious eyes; the take-charge leadership qualities; the CIGAR! Clinton me, George! Clinton me!

3. The Smart Talking Gremlin

If you’re like me, a sapiosexual (no, not someone who likes to “stick it in a tree’s sap” – those are called “environmentalists”), attraction isn’t all about raw physical energy. Some of us want to literally bone intelligence. You can tell this gremlin is mondo smart because as soon as he developed his British accent, he needed glasses. I’ll wager you’ve never met a dumb British person with shitty eyes.

2. Spider-Mohawk Gremlin

The one peculiar thing about this grem is he sprouted the eight mutated spider legs but got to keep his gremlin arms. He’s actually a gremlin/spider/centaur. He’s a gremdertaur. Think of the ecstasy ten limbs controlled by the mind of a gremlin could bring about. A gremlin brain, I would argue, is combination that of a human, iguana, Portuguese guy and crank-addicted gibbon. You put that noggin power behind eight legs plus two arms and you’re looking at enough orgasms to paint a barn with. This guy could ski-pole Nick Cannon’s entire family.

Honorable Mentions

Balaclava Gremlin: the heat of danger alone…

Puppeteer Gremlin: I don’t know a single person who doesn’t want to fuck a puppeteer.

1. Phoebe Cates Gremlin

At no point in these movies does anyone explicitly say that Phoebe Cates is NOT a gremlin. By the way, what’s the name of the series again?

That’s what I thought. So it would be safe to assume that any character in these movies IS a gremlin unless otherwise specifically stated. Phoebe Cates is the hottest gremlin ever. Sure, the ears are a little small and her dead dad stories drone on and on, but you know what they say about gremlins with daddy issues in the sack, right? I can think of one or two other things I’d like to see stuck in that chimney. Bottom line, if Phoebe Cates asked me to start a new life with her triflin’ bad gremlin self, I would throw my passport in the river faster than you could say “Fast Times At Ridgemont Hi, How Are Ya?”

That’s the unimpeachable list of top 10 most fuckable gremlins. Good news! I just found a hole in the back of my gremlin! So remember: if you invite me over for the holidays and start to hear some squeaking and creaking, smacking and whacking and belching and squelching, “look under all the beds” and check any room that has rubber furniture in it, “’cause you never can tell… there just might be a gremlin in your house”… taking it six ways from Tuesday by me. Merry Christmas!

For more XXXmas horror content, check out this list of deadly fright flicks this holiday season!